Urgh.

So much weight. I've only lost 5 pounds since August, something I'm completely and utterly ashamed of. I had this goal—this perfect plan. I can plan the hell out of anything, I just lack the self control to follow through. Weak. I have a new plan. I'm going to be thin by Christmas dammit, or at least thinner.
H 5'9
HW 180
CW 173
LW 150
GW1 155 (By christmas 2010)
GW2 140 (By summer 2011)

I'm going on a 3 day liquid fast to jump start everything. And I'm going to kick up the work outs. I'm weak, my fat shows that. I will be strong.

well shit.

Well holy shit. I'm weak. I've let myself go. I'm a cow. Literally, not in the sense that some people say that and their collar bones are still sticking out, I'm entirely jealous of those people. I'm a cow as in i have gained 20 pounds over 3 months. Pardon my french, but what the fuck. Where is any sense of self control? I'm going to see the guy I'm in love with and I haven't seen him in 3 months, only communication is over the computer every day. Little does he know that I've gained the equivalent of a small child since I last saw him. Agh. Shit. I have 2 weeks. I can lose 15 if I'm diligent… I was able to get down about that much in two weeks in the spring. I am one hundred and fucking eighty pounds. What is that. That is weakness. That is disgusting. That is not ok. I'm not myself. I let go. I'm out of control. This is stopping now. The goal is 140, people told me that I was looking kind of grossly skinny at 150 in April, I gained 10 pounds in May and from June to today its been 20 more. Fuck. That's so gross. Its either killing my body by being fat or by being skinny, so I pick the latter. I need to get back to this, I want to be smaller than I was when I was "grossly skinny"; I need to be 140. I have til December to meet this goal, if not, I'm going to have to step it up a notch. No more than 300 calories a day. Protein for energy.. So I think those egg beater things that are 60 calories for a half a cup before you cook them are good.. I can have that for breakfast lunch and dinner and maybe like.. I don't know what. Something under 120 calories. But 300 is the cap. Come on self.
Additionally. I have no fan base. I'm literally talking to myself. No followers. That's somewhat pathetic too. But that's currently my life. Great.

I am weak.

I am about to explode.
No, seriously, I think I ate enough this weekend to make up for the whole week of fasting. I am disgusting. I am a fatass. I am weak and I am unwilling to even call myself a friend of Ana's. I am so unbelievably ashamed.
Here's the thing—there's always that fat person you see eating and eating and eating and you can't help but be disgusted, and you can't help but thinking 'why are you always eating? You of all people don't need to be eating.'
Well shit. I feel like I'm that person.
My stomach is about to explode. I hate myself for eating all of this. This week is a fasting week. I have to lose like 15 or more pounds by next Friday (the 21st) because I have a pool party to go to. Therefore, I'm allotting myself ONE meal, and 10 apples for the entire week. I have should have absolutely no desire to eat after this week of killing myself with fat and calories and carbs. It is not ok. Again, I am ashamed, I am weak. I'm thinking of trying a saltwater cleansing thing that I've read about tomorrow afternoon… We'll see how that goes.
I need to purify my body from all this shit. It should not be in my body.
GIVE ME STRENGTH ANA. Please.
-A

Sidenote...

Ok. Quick addition to what I just said.
So what real joy do I get out of eating? None, if I really think about it. It just makes me hate myself for being so goddamn weak.
HOWEVER, I feel so good about coming up with lies and deceiving people by preparing plates that look like I've eaten so much in order to dodge suspicion.

Cunningness is much more desirable than fatness, people. Remember that.

Oh scale..

154.2.

That's what the little square box on the scale told me yesterday.
Now, exactly a week before it read "164.5". So. Yea, that was pretty freaking awesome. I only had a bowl of granola yesterday around 5 in the morning(MISTAKE. Granola is packed with calories. PACKED. And yet, I just ate another bowl. Yay for about 350 calories in about 5 minutes.) and that was the only thing, following in the footsteps of the rest of the week, that I ate all day other than my allotted apple. So anyway, 10 pounds,7 days, pretty great. Then I ruined it. I psyched myself out, I told myself that it was ok to eat yesterday. (Read:eat, not binge. Not the way it turned out). Oh my fuck, did I eat. 2 pieces of lasagna, a bowl of cheerios, another bowl of fiber 1 topped with some granola, those little pretzel thins, some of my roommates serving of ice cream… Just disgusting.
And here's the problem. I had strawberries, which are mostly water. I ate the shit in the pantry. And I kept going back for more.
Now I'm afraid to step back on the scale… I think it'll be 2 pounds higher, if not more. FUCKKKK.. sorry. I'm racing this weekend, which is kind of how I justified the lasagna (carbs for energy), but God damn, this is not going to be ok in the long run. If I want to keep looking like a fatass, I need to keep eating like this. Oh wait—I have no desire to look like that.
Ugh. I was controlling so well.
Here we go again. Starting over. One week, we want 7 more pounds to come off… Or at least down to 150 by next Friday, one week from today.
BE STRONGER THAN I AM.
-Ana

Cookies and Coffee.

Ok. I was offered cookies so many times today. I'm not really sure why, but everyone had made some sort of chocolatey cookies today, and they all felt like sharing (maybe they realized the massive amounts of butter and sugar in those suckers would end up on their thighs…). But Ana kept me strong! I kept thinking about the "look at how much stronger you are them" quote, which helped a lot. Also, I started wearing a rubber band (red, for Ana) on my wrist and I snap it when I'm tempted. A little classical conditioning for ya… But it really does help. I have to disguise it when I'm around people, make it seem like an absentminded thing that doesn't actually hurt (although it sort of does, that's the point).
Anyway, I had 3 apples today (one too many… boo. 150 calories) and a 1/2 cup of Fiber One cereal (60 calories) with 1/8 cup milk (no skim in the house, so I had to go with sick-nasty 2%, which just tastes weird to me now… so that was around 25 calories). I had a couple of veggie chips (around 70 calories) and a tbs of hummus (30 calories). I also drank a lot of black coffee, which, on a nearly empty stomach, kept me wired (if you can imagine). Total for the day: around 335, which I think was cancelled out by my workout today. Not too bad. There was a lot of food that was worthless though, I still need to work up this willpower.
Anyway, I'm swamped with crap, so this is it for the day.
Keep working at the goal… You're closer everyday so do not give in.
Love you all
-Ana

(Only) an apple a day keeps the fatness away

Apples are good.
Fun fact: they wake you up more than a cup of coffee. They're also delicious. And travel well. And take a good amount of time to eat. That creates the illusion that you're eating more than you are for other people, and tricks your mind into thinking you've had a lot to eat. They also have a lot of fiber, so that fills you up. Also, they can be sliced up into quarters, then you can have one for every meal and a snack after! Oh, and a small apple is 40 calories. SO. They're kind of perfect.
Thus, today I only had 2 apples and nothing else. I claimed a stomachache and no one questioned it, so that was awesome. I went running at 6, about 2.5 miles before I had to get back home, shower, and get ready for the day. I just got back from running (another 2.5 miles) and doing 2000 m on the rowing machine. SO I think that was a successful day, hopefully about 700 calories burned in addition to the 2000 the body burns naturally. With the 2 apples factored in I'm hopefully coming out at −2620 calories for the day. Could be better… Boo.
I am down 4 pounds from Friday, not too good though. Its not very good, seeing as that only puts me at a fat-ass 160. The goal is to be 150 by next Friday, which will be damn near impossible. BUT only time will tell!!!
Keep working at it, you all are strong. Bones=beautiful.
Be the girl whose extreme self control everyone envies.
-Ana

Hmmm...

So I did pretty good today. I had 2 chewy bars and 2 apples, and a nature valley bar later in the day. I was in some races today, so I ate the granola bars for the sole purpose of having energy. There was so much food at these races, and all of it was free for the participants. The whole time I was thinking about something I read—"watch other people eating fatty foods and feel superior". I know that sounds bitchy, but it really helped (first of all, I don't know why there was so much disgustingly unhealthy food at the races. I'm talking pigs in a blanket, chips and salsa, and so many different types of other chips). I was with a friend later today, around 6, and we decided to go to Central Market, so for 'dinner' we just sampled things... I had maybe 200 calories worth there (which is a semi-upsetting amount). Right now, my stomach is growling so much I can't sleep which is stupid. Doesn't my body know there's plenty of fat for it to mooch off of?? Ugh. Ok. Well, I don't know if anyone's reading this blog.. Sooo if you are, feel free to leave a comment, just so I'm not rambling on to no one.
Keep it up.
-Ana

Lies and deceit lead to skin and bones.

So today I managed pretty well. I had a bible study breakfast at one of the worst breakfast places ever; it is country style home cooking. Read: buttermilk pancakes, biscuits, gravy, bacon out the wazoo. So I claimed that my roommate had randomly gotten up and made pancakes out of the last of the Bisquick. I must say, my story was pretty awesome and they ate it up like the fatty bacon that came with their meal. Later I had a group lunch, and I had a 1 cup bowl of special K, claiming that I was still full from "all the food I had eaten at the bible study that morning". I did slip and had M&Ms… Damn willpower. I have a birthday dinner at a nice steakhouse… SO I'm praying that I'll say no to any cake and stick to just a salad.

I was thinking today, and this is what I came up with:
I'm pretty fricking deceptive. I can lie my way out of any problem. SO, why can't I lie my way out of this fat problem? I can. That's the thing. So I'm going to make this a game—how long can you trick these people, create an illusion of eating? I love a challenge. Its my competitive nature.
So the goal? 130 pounds. Thats 34 fucking pounds. Wow. How will I get there?
a) Lies. Lying to others about what I've eaten, lying about stomachaches, lying about not being hungry, and lying to myself about those same things.
b) Making Ana my best friend. This little image of Mary Kate Olsen is going to be permanently fixated in my mind, advising my every move, making sure I don't eat. She's my self control.
c) Not bingeing. That's the problem. I do it alone, and I that's when I have the least amount of control.

Red bracelet's going back on.
I hope you all are having a strong day. Is there even anyone here?

Blah… I need more self control.
Ana




[Update….post dinner]
Ok. So. Dinner… I did mildly ok. I didn't order a sugary cocktail (calories, calories, calories), being the lone guest without a drink. I didn't eat any of the assortment of sweet potato fries (who knew all the different seasonings would be paired with such an appetizer), I DID however eat a handful of peanuts, which are packed with calories but I figured they would be better than fries… Boo. I loaded up on the salad, simple lettuce and a vinaigrette, which was sinful. Let me just go ahead and let you all know that this was a "roadhouse", so there was a lot of 'hearty food' served family style. I got about 1 tablespoon sized servings of the mashed potatoes and the mac and cheese (claiming that I was going for a sampler, which my friends seemed to believe despite the fact that they were all having the same foods that sat on my plate, but in much larger sizes). I got some asparagus and cut it up into even pieces and mixed it with the macaroni and the mashed potatoes after taking only a bite of each. I had about 2 oz of chicken breast, justifying it because of the protein… but now I just feel bloated as ever. I asked the waiter to take away my plate before anyone mentioned the odd cheesy-potatoey-asparagus mixture. I felt guilty as hell for those peanuts and chicken and the few starchy bites of potato and mac and cheese. Then the dessert came. Gourmet smores and cake. Wow. I did manage to completely avoid any cake, which was the goal. BUT I failed on the smores. 2 coffee marshmallows on a thin cinnamon graham cracker/wafer thing and dark chocolate, then about 4 more cinnamon wafer things and chocolate sans mallow. I don't know why I felt like it was ok to eat that much, because it was definitely not. Ugh. Seriously, I am failing so miserably at this. I don't know what's wrong with me, I only know that I need to get my shit together or end up looking like a blimp from hell.
Pray that I stay stronger…

Ana

Litter is bad. So are subs.

OK. So. Yes. Regardless of this desire to be skin and bones, I utterly lack self restraint. I went to a fundraiser tonight, where there were 6 inch subs donated by the sandwich shop near the event. So, after a day containing a 6 mile run in the heat, I was starving. And, of course, because I am a fatass, I devoured that sub like it was no body's business. Then, about an hour and a half later at the end, I found myself perusing the sandwich table again.. Just because the first one was so tasty. Even though I didn't really enjoy it ALL that much. Again, no self control. So as I took a friend who's car is in the shop home, I nibbled on my second 6 inch chicken sub. Let me just say, these things were LOADED with stuff, and a lot of it ended up in my lap. Well, after I dropped her off, Ana popped up in my head and screamed at me; "what are you doing?!?!? You have eaten WAY too much today!!!!!"


So I threw that sucker out the window.


Now, I'm pretty environmentally friendly. I pick up my trash, and I try to recycle as much as possible. So I feel somewhat bad about littering seeing as the foil it was packaged in is not the most biodegradable substance. But I had to get it out of my hands. So that was achieved, that's good, right? Yep, probably would have been, except then I went home and ate 4 chocolate chip cookies that I made.
THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.
I've imagined what Ana looks like to me. I think she's Mary Kate Olsen. I have always admired her, even when I was 6 and she was still doing movies where she and Ashley would sing in the bathrooms of their high school. Regardless, I'm starting to picture her as Ana when I want to eat. She sits there and says things like "I definitely do not eat those cookies. That peanut butter and jelly is LOADED with sugars—Sugars that WILL stick to your thighs." Ugh. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a new beginning. Tomorrow is the day where Ana will follow me everywhere, and where I will not be weaker than the food that is keeping me in a headlock.
I AM STRONGER THAN THIS.
I'm sorry for failing you all. I will make a change.

Ana.

Failure is not an option.

Ok. Fuck. Sorry, I really don't say that too often, just when I'm mad. And needless to say, I'm mad at myself. I weighed in today. 164. What? Really, that is just gross. Granted, I am bloated and whatever else, but there is no excuse for that 30 pounds that I need to be gone. I take the fact that that scale is so high as a weakness, and I hate it. So limiting calories to 300 a day for the next two weeks, no processed foods at all, keeping the sodium down. I'll be back on for more later tonight hopefully.. Until then, STAY STRONGer than me!
Ana

Veggietales.

Ok. SO the time has come to kick it in to high gear. No more of this lacking-self-control business.
My friend Elizabeth wants to do a non-processed food diet, so I jumped at the opportunity to claim the same.. Its much easier to abstain from eating around people if nothing at a restaurant fits that mold. PLUS, fruits and vegetables are basically all we'll be eating and they have so few calories, so I'll be able to keep it under 400 calories a day easily. Now I just have to keep at it, and keep working out… Its probably a good idea to do a couple-mile run every day. I'll try that and keep you all posted!!! Well, here I go to start the day. Stay strong!
-Ana

Fat little busy bee

Alright team. So, yesterday went… ok. I stuck to my liquid fasting up until like 8 last night. I had a glass of V-8 Lite fruit juice for breakfast, then had 3 flavored waters (0 cal) through out the day. I came home and had some celery, and then I crashed from exhaustion from the week… read: 3 hour nap. So that means I didn't have time to work out. Which sucks… Mental note: there is always time for a run. But no, I didn't process that last night, so instead of being productive I went to sonic and got a diet coke (they have the best ice, and I'm addicted to Diet Cokes, they're the GREATEST no calorie sweetness fix!!!). Then… I found myself bored. So I went to Whole Foods for the sole purpose of walking around and trying things. But I managed to only have 2 little slivers of sample bread before I realized what I was doing and quickly made it to my car, the fast still (for the most part) intact. Now, this is where the trouble started. My friend Kathleen called and asked if I wanted to come over and help her decide on something, and while there she suggested that we go out to eat. I suggested La Madeleine, since she wanted dessert and I know they have some low cal choices. She went with a chocolate cake slice (which I refrained from, picturing that slice of cake sticking out of my hips, still in its perfect slice-form). I got strawberries, a side house salad and some soup (went with tomato, should have stuck with a broth based soup. Bad choice there). From there, we went to Walgreens, where I mistakenly chose to buy a York Peppermint Patty (140 calories. Dammit.). I made it home for an early night, and my roommate said he really wanted some mac-a-roni. Ok, I lie. I really wanted to make something. I love cooking. So I offered to make it. Thus, I made some Velveeta/whole wheat pasta macaroni and gave him the majority, saving about 1/3 cup for myself… and I scarfed it down. [SIDEBAR: You all, my lack of control is bad. If you have any suggestions at all to stopping this, PLEASE let me know. I'm up for all things]. I managed to throw away all the crap in the kitchen afterwards, so there's no longer ice cream, the broccoli/cheese/rice casserole, leftover pizza, or chocolate within reach. After my cleaning-out spree, I fell into bed feeling disgusting and fat (per usual). This needs to change!

On the flip side, I woke up and had a bowl of sugar free oatmeal (140 cal) and went on a 30 minute run. I'm about to kick into high gear for preparing for this event tonight, so there shouldn't be time to eat, which is AWESOME. I find myself weakening and eating something when I'm bored, so I'm going to keep myself busy! I hope that Ana will give me the power to eat as little as possible tonight at this dinner, but there will definitely be people watching me…
Keep resisting, remember that bones are beautiful!
Love you all
~Ana

Things I hate number 1...

Something I really hate:

My lack of self control. Seriously. 4 pieces of pizza. Ok, now, I didn't want that. It may have been thin crust, but that was so weak on my part. Today was going to be a single-apple day. It turned into a pizza-binge. Ugh. I feel so gross.

I did however go on a 2.5 mile run in my spare time (which is highly limited). Which is no where near enough to rectify the pizza mistake/s but… I suppose it is better than nothing. Before my folly, I stuck to my plan for the day pretty well- 3 water bottles, 1 cup coffee, a small apple, and a celery stalk. Then I got back from working and working out and there was a box of pizza on the counter… Well, you know the rest. I did end up throwing away the other pieces though. I have a big event this weekend and I really wish I had more control to drop as much weight/water weight during this past week… Boo. I suppose that tomorrow will be an ALL liquid fast (go hard or go home.) and it'll be Friday, so I'll have time to fit in a 6 mile run between finding shoes and jewelry for this event… Hopefully Ana will give me the strength to do this!!

Stay strong, thin beauties. I'm going to work my ass off to be a better role model, I promise :)

The Start of Skinny

Alright so things are not going the way I'd like. In regards to life as a whole, but most especially to my weight, and it is becoming a problem. After weeks of starving all day and bingeing almost every night, my weight has virtually become stuck at this high, fat-ass weight. 158 pounds. Disgusting. Disgraceful. Disproportional to my 5'9" frame. I'm weak. Without even being remotely hungry, I constantly find myself up at 10 o'clock in the kitchen searching for something I can stuff in my face, completely counteracting the day I've spent eating only a small apple. Or trying to only eat a small apple. I'm a fat-ass, I think I already mentioned that, and I find myself compelled to eat what is available. So goal for the day, which has semi-started off with a clean slate: One SMALL apple today. Celery. Water. Coffee. That's it. No little candy bar things in the office that I work in (they sit on a desk a mere 30 feet away, tempting me).

I have no real desire to eat all the crap that I do, but it happens. I'm an excellent liar—I blamed my lack of eating on the non-existant stomach pains that I claimed occurred after every meal, and I dropped 20 pounds in a month. Glorious. So I think that's going to happen again. I am also wicked good at deceiving myself, seeing as I eventually believed I legitimately had those stomach pains. Again, I will lie to myself. I need control. I need no food (the body can survive at least 3 weeks with no food at all, and God knows I have plenty of fat for my body to live off of). So today I'll work on staying strong, working out tonight will be fun. I'm thinking a 5 mile run to counteract the shit I put into my body yesterday.

The red bracelet is going back on, a reminder of Ana and the power she'll give me. If people ask about it, I'll claim to finding it on the street. Lies will keep this plan in check :)

Stay strong, I love all of you (if there are any readers yet), and remember—thin is beautiful.