21.

"Day Twenty-One- What are your clothing sizes?"

Typically I wear an 8. Boo. Sometimes a 10 if things run small, especially in shorts because I have really long legs and things are often way too short. I have some things in a 6 that barely fit (depressing..). My goal would be to be under a 4, but ideally a 2 or 0. I think my hip bones and shoulders are too big for a 0 though, dammit bone structure. Not to use that as an excuse to not get that small, but I think logistically I wouldn't be able to fit because bones don't really shrink in to accommodate smaller sizes. I think its important to be somewhat realistic with myself…somewhat.

Anyways, I'm doing pretty well on my restricting. I have gone 5 days without a binge (Yay!). The closest I got was a small spoonful of peanut butter with about 10 chocolate chips and a pretzel. But then I stopped. I have had an unusually high amount of parties/luncheons this week that were centered around a meal (I've talked about one already). I've managed to throw away my food without people noticing and with only eating a couple of strawberries or a few appetizers (the appetizers are me being fat). Oh, and i had half a cupcake today…boo. This week this is what I have eaten:

• Probably a cup total of sliced strawberries (50 cal)
• A 100 calorie bagel and a wedge of laughing cow cheese (135 cal)
• A half-cup of grapes (60 cal)
• 1/2 cup of egg beaters (60 cal) 
• Lean Cuisine mac and cheese…my weakness… (290 cal)
• 1 tbs. of peanut butter (100 cal)
• 10 chocolate chips (20 cal)
• Pretzel (20 cal)
• 5 Tortilla Chips (80 cal)
• 1 tbs. guacamole (25 cal)
• That damn cupcake (250 cal)

TOTAL FOR THE WEEK: 1,090 (approximately. Hopefully I'm not forgetting anything…)

I also went running again today, but I only did a mere 2 miles. Again, I need to remember I'm working up to being able to run more! I hope to be able to run 10 miles by August :) or maybe 13.1, a half-marathon would be cool.

I'm down to 158 as of this morning :) which isn't that good, but considering after Sunday's eat-fest at a brunch I was at 171.8. Gross. Never again! 

Hope you all are doing well :)

Love you skinnies,

—A

20.

"Day Twenty- Favorite diet?"

Hm…This one is tough because I never really follow a plan. Any diet is just restricting. Well this is a boring answer, I'm sorry.

ON ANOTHER NOTE… Fasting again today. Well, I did have to break that at the luncheon but barely. I planned it so I arrived 15 minutes late, after everyone had already served themselves and so they wouldn't see me get my food. There were some people in the room when I did get food and they were watching suspiciously, so I knew I had to make it look like I was getting a lot. I got around 5 strawberries and probably 3/4 cups of grapes and like 10 carrots and some salad (although I didn't eat any of this because the dressing looked super creamy=tons of calories). Anyways, that provided a ton of color and filled the plate, giving the allusion I was eating a lot more than I actually was. Here's the breakdown on those calories:

Strawberries: 30 cal

Grapes: 50 cal

Carrots: 40 cal

TOTAL: 120 :( I mean, this isn't too bad, BUT it was supposed to be a fast day. 

I did go on a 4 mile run this morning. Not going to lie, it was tough. Grr…It's going to be a process getting back to where I was on running. Just gotta stay focused. After weighing in this morning after the run though, I was 10 pounds under what it was on Sunday night after I had eaten all that shit, so that was exciting! But I know that it wasn't really 10 pounds worked off and gone, just overeaten me vs fasting me/sweated-everything-out me. Plus I'm just getting back to where I was a few weeks ago since I slipped off track…So back at 160. Gross. If only I could legitimately lose 10 pounds in 3 days EVERY three days! That would be incredibly awesome. But no. That doesn't work. So I'll continue working, gotta get down to 155 then 150 then 145 and on and on. 

WE CAN DO IT.

Love you all :)

—A

The nineteenth question.. Fast Food.

"Day Nineteen- When is the last time you ate fast food?"

I honestly can't remember. I think maybe this past summer, and I got a boca burger that Burger King had. Fast food is just never appealing. I guess I actually have had some of my friends' fries or tator tots from sonic or something, but that's it…

So the fasting went perfectly yesterday, I took in absolutely no calories :). However, I got called out at dinner tonight by a close friend and denied it by eating her plate of spaghetti instead of my salad…yuck. Then I went home and ate like 6 cookies and a serving of special k and then some turkey sandwich meat slices with hummus. Fatfatfatfatfatyuck. 4 laxatives will have to make up for that…even more disgusting. Yuck yuck yuck. Tomorrow will have to be another fasting day, I'll have to be super sneaky at the luncheon I'm required to go to…

And let me just go ahead and say ya'lls comments/suggestions make my day. Literally, I love knowing at least one or two people have read what I'm writing :) yall are the best. Even just one word would make my day better!

Keep up the fasts!

—A

Uhhh

Ok so time to revamp. I've said this before, and now its going to happen. I'm fasting today and tomorrow, and I'm going to try to keep going as long as I can. I'm going to keep it as a liquid fast, so if I absolutely have to I can have some soup. Just gotta keep these fasting days under 200 cal.

I overate yesterday. Massively. The thing that sucks about me and what I don't understand is how I literally can't find an in-between. I either eat way too much or nothing. I can't find that healthy medium. Anyone else feel the same way? Although I would SO much rather be unhealthy from not eating than eating shit. Anyways. I hope yall are all doing way better than me!

—A

Day eighteen…a little delayed.

"Day Eighteen- What food is your weakness?"

Macaroni and cheese. Hot damn I can't help eating it if it's available, or if its in my refrigerator I can't stop myself from heating it up. And seriously, that's like the worst food for you. All it is is fat and carbs. Butter and cheese and pasta and heavy cream. 

IAMAFATASS.

But that's not news.

I also eat a lot of icing at work because its one thing that's just out all the time. And they will put out a tray of 'scraps' for us to eat while we work, stuff that they can't use in a dish or that's extra. And I eat more than any of my co-workers. 

F. 

I need to get back on track. I need to reach my goal and I have a month to do so…That's 20 pounds in one month. 5 pounds a week. That means NO MORE BINGES. No more excuses. No more eating alone. No more sitting on my lazy ass. 

Tomorrow starts things. Looking at pictures from a function I went to Friday made me realize I have made NO change since the fall. And that's disgusting. I'm going to need to fast this week to get back to 160 (so fucking fat.) and I need to run at least 12 miles a week for the next month, then I'll up the requirement once I am back in shape. Also, I need to make sure I do my ab circuit EVERY DAY, not just 3/7 days of the week. 

Cmon fatass self, get yourself together. 

Your appearance is a reflection of your will power. 

Ya'll are all my thinspo.

—A

Help.

Ok yall. As much as I wish I were in control, I'm not. And I wish my plans on restricting would be followed, but I don't. I binge too much, and I think I need to conquer binge eating before I focus on just restricting. I don't know what I should do to go about this, so PLEASE offer suggestions! I don't need/want 'professional' help, but I feel like I have BE disorder and as much as I feel like thats a cop out of an excuse for not restricting, I really feel like I am completely out of control with that. I just don't know what to do to stop, since it seems like one would just be able to not binge. Just not do it. But I can't.

Shit.

My eating habits have become shit. I'm ashamed.

Time crunch.

Food is not my friend.

Dia 17-ED?

"Day Seventeen- Do you have an eating disorder?"

Alright well this one is a hard one to answer. I don't think I'm disciplined enough to be considered to have a full-fledged ED. If I were actually able to stick to my plans on restricting, then maybe. Although I think binge eating is considered one, and I feel like maybe I have that. Although I feel like that's just me saying that to justify why I binge and not pin it on my utter lack of control. Who knows. So my answer will be "maybe/kinda/sorta" because with reading all of these other blogs, I am no where near as small or disciplined or strong as other people. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm just a fatty in this situation and other people, with their protruding collarbones and non-touching thighs are embarrassed to be even remotely classified in the same category as me. Boo.

I ate a lot today as was expected. Ugh. I feel like I'm coated in a layer of sugar. Tomorrow will be a good day. Keeping the net below 400. I'll make it a point to work out longer than normal to compensate for today's massive calorie overload and utter lack of any physical activity…Hello I am a sloth. 

Here's to a stronger day tomorrow.

—A

Day sixteen- The beginning.

"Day Sixteen- When did you first decide to lose weight?"

I think I first wanted to when I was like 11…5th grade maybe? But I started restricting as means to do so seriously probably three years ago, and its been a constant struggle of weight gain and weight loss. I would love to just not care, but like I said that seems impossible, and I would rather lose than get "help," not that I'm a 'bad' enough case to need any sort of professional help. That's the thing, no one would guess that I'm struggling with this, except my best friend. Fortunately I am an impeccable liar :] but then again, aren't we all?

Today and yesterday were pretty good days. I did a 5 mile loop yesterday and consumed around 600, leaving the net intake of about 100. Today I fasted until work and then I ate around 300 calories.. yuck yuck. I know that isn't really that much compared to a lot, but it is when its ONLY at work. Tomorrow is going to be a day filled with food as I have a celebration lunch and dinner..boo. We'll see how things hold up. Aiming for below 155 by the end of next week, I'm at around 161 as of right now (large.).

Hope you all are having great weeks so far, stay strong :]

—A

Day fifteen—veggies and more

"Day Fifteen- Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, has this helped you lose weight? If not, would you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?"

Ok, so this is kind of a weird answer; I was a vegetarian for about a year up until this spring. It was probably half so I would have an excuse not to eat when I was with people and half because blood freaks me out and I saw a thing on meat processing plants, so I was grossed out by eating something that had gone through that. However, I ended up gaining weight so that was not something effective for losing weight for me.

On another note, I decided last night that I'm going to wake up 30 minutes early every morning and do an ab workout circuit and do some stretching. Hopefully I'll be able to just start the day off calm and I'll be able to think about my ultimate goal right now, which is reaching my goal weights. That sounds lame, like the biggest thing I want right now is…weight loss. And to normal people, yes that is weird. But it is something that I've really wanted and there isn't really any other goal that I want quite as bad that doesn't involve other people (if that makes any sense..I can't control their behavior in response to getting my goal). So anyways! Today I haven't eaten anything except for a bite of a banana muffin…wasn't worth it. I may have some soup (120 for a whole can) around 2 when I get home. I don't have to work today (hooray!) so that takes away all sweet temptations. However, I am going to a dinner tonight that I can't get out of…Hopefully I'll get away with just a salad, dressing on the side.

Happy Monday!

—A

Day fourteen-Achieving the Ultimate.

"What’s your UGW? When you expect to reach it?"
My UGW would be 120, which is a BMI of 17.5 (I'm 5'9"). My goal right now is to be below 135 by August, so I'm aiming for 10 pounds a month. That's not even that dramatic of a weight loss, since the largest "healthy" amount of weight lost per week is 2 pounds, so just half a pound more per week. However, I will have to stay extremely motivated and not stray off this plan. And I really need to start running at least 5 times a week, because that really makes a difference! I love going on powerwalks, but they're less effective…Its just the easy way out I suppose.

Someone commented and asked why I do this if I know its not healthy. Well, I am well aware that it may not be healthy, but its my mind that's not healthy. And that sounds so dumb, and if I know its wrong why don't I just stop, but I can't. I literally have tried for the past 4 years and I always come back. Its not just a 'diet'. If that was true there wouldn't be treatment centers for this kind of thing. I would love more than anything to just not care about my weight, but I can't. I can't stop fixating on it; I can't stop wishing I was better at controlling what I eat. I just can't.

Hope ya'll have a good week!

—A

Day 13—"healthy or not?"

I feel like anyone looking at these blogs are definitely not healthy. Regardless of how successful they are at not eating, the mental aspect of wanting to starve yourself to reach that forever-unattainable goal isn't a normal way to think. Everyday, I start my day with a plan to not eat, and even though I usually fall while I'm at work, I still typically don't eat a meal by myself, and if I do its under 250 calories. That's a "big meal" when I'm alone. That's if I don't binge (which I will say hasn't happened in a while. I've learned that if you feel a binge coming on, eat SOMETHING filling, like soup and a sandwich because you can still control that and keep it at least below 300 but they keep you eating for a while!). But binging is also unhealthy, just at the opposite extreme.

Anyways, that's my view on the matter. I've been doing alright this week. I have two parties involving food, a lunch and dinner party, and some people from work really want to "grab a bite to eat" before I have to go to my dinner party. Ugh. Why do so many social events surround food? Probably because food is comforting to most people. But to us it puts us in hell.

Keep strong!

—A

FASTandfurious. (plus day twelve)

 Ok. So first of all, as I've told ya'll, I'm slacking. I'm weak. I'm well over 1500 calories a day and I am DISGUSTING. I literally am grossing myself out. Thus, I'm going to eat under 400 calories (the usual limit) tomorrow, and then reassess and fast until I get down below 160, so around 3 days. Blah fat-assery.

Anyways. Day 12= "How do you usually eat"
I binge. That's not news. I don't know if that's an eating disorder, but with that and not eating aside, my "normal" eating is pretty healthy stuff I suppose. I eat a lot of salads, I like fruits and veggies. But A. I never really am eating "normal," and B. I eat a lot of the stuff that I bake, and I bake everyday. SO. Yea. Overall I'm kind of a failure.

I hope you all are having a much stronger week, I promise to each of you (sooo like 7 people..?) that I will stick to my plan—under 400 tomorrow, fast Thursday/Friday. I gotta refocus on the goal, and ESPECIALLY my deadline! It's quickly approaching!


Love you all
Think thin :]

—A

Day Eleven- better late than never...

"Day Eleven- Your favorite thinspo blog and why!"

Ok. So my first blog that I read religiously from start to finish was Dying to be Thin. I was OBSESSED (and still am, although there was a super long hiatus, and her last two posts were like a week ago but were super short and didn't tell me anything about how she's doing…so sad!). But it was so so so honest, and she kept it up for so long. I don't know why I was so drawn to it, but I definitely was and I would LOVE for her to start writing again. We shall see!


As for me. Boo. Fat. I literally am failing. I do well until like 6 pm. So well. Under 300 calories. Then I am offered a normal dinner, and I eat it. Then I'm like "well, I screwed up already, let me try making these cookies. Let me eat these crackers while they're in the oven. Screw it, bowl of cereal? Sure!" UGH. I'm still disorganized. This past week has been crazy busy so I never got things together, like cleaning my room completely. Boo…Maybe this weekend. I need to revamp, refocus. Oh, and my back was killing me Friday after Thursday's run. If this continues every time I run I will be seriously depressed.

Love you all. I'm going to become a better example!

—A

ps. thanks for the comments :]