What the hell.

Why can't I do this.
I plan everything. These plans would work if I fucking stuck to them for more than a week.
I have been wanting to reach simple milestones for over two years. That is just pathetic.
I'm a pathetic excuse for a person. But really, why can't I do this. I do not hold myself accountable.
10 pounds. That's the weight I have to be at by the end of August. 160. That's pathetic, I can't even get down to that, and that's still the size of a cow. I was 169 this morning when I woke up. I hate myself for this.
Fuckfuckfuck.
Sorry…
But really. I can't keep this weight up. I hate my fat face. I hate my fat thighs. I hate my fat ass my fat stomach my fat arms.
I want to be toned, to turn heads, to be pretty. That can't happen while I'm a heifer.
If this is something I want so badly, the biggest single goal that I have 100% control over, why can't I stick to it.
Restarting. Go.
I want:

• 160. then 150. then 140. then 130. then less.
• the gap.
• flat stomach
• thin arms
• cheekbones
• hipbones
• collarbones.
• anthing for thin.

Ok.

So I restricted for the past few days, and I went from tipping the scale at 175.2 on Sunday night to 163.2 this morning. So yea, thats a shit ton of weight from 3 days of restricting and working out, but I know it'll all come back with eating, but hopefully I'm getting rid of some fat in there. Question (dumb one as it is)—is 12 pounds of water weight that is lost noticeable? I sure as hell hope so. I want to be below 160 by the 15th, to the point where even if I eat a full meal if I'm out with people that I won't get above that mark. Once I'm below that, I will not let myself ever get above it.

Here's some thinspo for you all :]

I just liked this one.

I let go.

I let go.
I stopped restricting. The Mia side of me stayed this summer though, with an emphasis on the binging. Disgusting.
I'm disgusting.
I gained 10 pounds this summer.
10.
I let go and now I have to make it better, and this time I have to get a lower weight than ever before. I refuse to let myself stay this fat. I restricted today, keeping below 300 calories. Tomorrow is going to have a 100 calorie limit…so that may include some eggs and some water-dense fruits or veggies. I need to run, but damn its hot. But that can't be an excuse, excuses don't shed weight. I want to drop this 10 pounds in 2 weeks, get back to where I was in May.

Ugh. I'm sorry I've let ya'll down, not that I really think anyone was looking up to me. This time will be different, cross my heart.

—A