Day Three—Thinspo and my failure

Ok…so today's question is about a thinspo picture and what we envy about the person. I like a lot of them, but this one is a real person's picture and I feel like that's really inspiring because it doesn't have touch-ups like magazines. But one thing I really love is having sharp collarbones. That's one thing I really envy. And there are the obvious other things, flat stomach, skinny thighs, gap, thin arms, thin face. And her dress is really cute, I would love to be able to wear something like that!

On another note, I'm disgusting. I just went to lunch at a friend's house (weekly lunch group) and I just ate everything. Not even a little, like a normal person. I ate way more than I would have ever wanted. And I got home and went straight to the scale, 161. That's what it was on Sunday night. It should have been 158 at least by today, I would have much rather it have been 156 BUT I have been weak all week and it's making me miserable. I can't keep up this overeating problem or I will literally gain twenty pounds. I know this because it has happened. So I'm committing to restricting—NO EXCEPTIONS, NO MISTAKES. Mistakes are for people who don't know what to do, the people who can't even control their own lives. I know what I need to be doing. I just lack the self control. I'm weak. I'm fat. I'm disgusting.

Sorry that my posts all seem to be a little pessimistic, but that's just how I feel and usually when I'm the most angry with myself is when I sit down to write. But I love you all and I'm impressed by how much more y'all are in control. I want to be a motivator, so I'm really going to start doing it for any readers, too, and not just myself.

Stay strong, carry on.

—A

Day two continued...

Ok sooooo the five day fast was broken, surprise surprise. How weak is that. It's day ONE. I'm embarrassed by my complete lack of control. However, I went to dinner with a bunch of friends and when I said I had already eaten because I didn't like the type of food the restaurant had, my friend jokingly said "Ohh yea, she's like hiding her eating disorder and that's why she's not eating." SO that was awkward, but it shows me that it obviously doesn't look like I am skinny or she wouldn't have risked the comment. That should be motivation. I didn't eat anything at that dinner, it wasn't even a challenge. But in the category of me being completely honest, this is what I ate: four french macaroons with plenty of frosting, a 1/2 cup of egg beaters scrambled with a tablespoon of ketchup, and I continued trying to make a perfect frosting so I ate a shit ton of that.
UGH. Its like, even when I eat something at all it has to be something of NO nutritional value. So here's a little goal…If I do feel like eating something in a time of NO self control, here are some foods that would be not deadly:

• Chicken broth OR…light soup (the 50 or 60 calorie per serving ones only)
• Water based fruits (strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, apples)
• Carrots, CELERY, tomato (although technically this is a fruit) or other similar vegetables that are mostly water
• COFFEE. TEA. WATER. DIET COKE…ok so those aren't foods. But that's ok! They trick you into being fuller.

BASICALLY I have 100 calories to spend on binges. Ana is telling me DON'T WASTE YOUR LIFE ON STUFFING YOUR FACE WITH COOKIES AND ICING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I just have to listen….

Til tomorrow…sleep tight :] be stronger than I am.

Day 2…alright.

Ok so day two is your height and how you feel about your height….
I'm 5'9", which I guess is a good height, although I kind of wish I was cute and little. But what can you do. All I can work on is the little part being weight, so that's what I'll continue to do!

Today is day 1 of the fast, so that's going pretty well, although its only noon; I still have four and a half days to go… Let's go team Ana. But I feel like my hard-core focus is fading, so I'm going to work on control of every aspect of my life so its harder to slip up in the eating category (which may not make sense, but when I'm organized in all aspects I keep up better than if I'm lazy and sloppy). So anyways! That's all I can think of right now.. OH but thank ya'll for the comments! Even if there were only three, they really made my day! :]

Keep it up!!
-a

Well good.

So wow. I'm pathetic, just a little bit. Or maybe a big bit. I work in a restaurant, and I want to own my own one day SO I've been thinking about a few things I want to find my own recipes for. One being icing. So what have I done for the past 2 hours? Made 5 different recipes for icing, tasting the hell out of all of them in an attempt to make them the best. I.e. I have eaten like 800 calories worth of icing, which even for a normal person can give someone a sugar coma. I'm in hell. I know tomorrow/later tonight I'm just going to tear myself up over this, which I can't say isn't deserved because it was just entirely unnecessary.
So yea. Anyways. Frack..no self control. I'm going to try a 5 day fast, that's until Easter. I know that may seem desperate, but its not really. And I know there will be a shit ton of food on easter, cool. So here goes nothing...

Day One-Stats

Here are my stats..Sorry for repeating them from other locations:

Height: 5 feet 9 inches
Highest weight: 180 in August 2010
CW: 161…boo.
LW: 154.2 in May 2010
Ultimate GW: 120
GW: 135

Correction

Ok, so reading back on past blogs, I lied. I haven't, in fact, reached my low weight. That would be 154.2. I have a pound to go. BUT that's the beauty of blogging. You keep an un-loseable record!

Restart.

Hey ya'll.. So not that there are any followers yet (or not that there will be, as much as I wish there were), I need an outlet and writing on paper is too risky. People can be nosy or just merely stumble upon something that I write out. So here's the deal—I feel weak. Not like weak-haven't-eaten-in-a-weak, but weak as in I-am-a-fat-ass-with-no-control. I have been restricting again since December, although I have gotten into some periods of weakness and I have gotten out of control on binging on weekends. So while I go through the week managing to eat literally NOTHING (I have cut out going to lunches with people completely), I make up for it almost on the weekends calorie wise. Disgusting. I did make it to my all-time low though on Friday night (pre-binge) at 155. In the past people catch on and make me eat by the time I reach that.

Ok. That's a lie. I'm really self-deceptive and I will lie about shit so I don't have to take responsibility. But what's the point of this if I don't be completely honest? So yes, I get to 155 and then people do notice, but I tell myself "Ohh I haven't eaten in a week, its ok if I eat this. And this. And fuck, why not this? Actually, I'll binge and it will be ok because I'll make up for it." Then, at a certain point, I get back into just binge-eating, no purging. I can't make myself throw up, not because I don't want to, I've tried many times, but because it just doesn't work. I do take laxatives, which sounds disgusting because I hate talking about anything like that (bathroom related stuff grosses me out. I do not talk about it and when other people do I get uncomfortable haha) BUT desperate times call for desperate measures, and I need to get that stuff out of my overly-full stomach. ANYWAYS… I have reached my low-weight, although after every weekend I get back up by like 5 or 6 pounds. So this morning's weigh in was an enormous 161. That's disgusting. I will say that about a month ago that'd be a low weight so I'm slowly progressing…

I'm sorry this is a long post. Just providing background. Don't feel compelled to read, just getting everything out in the open.
So my absolute best friend (we'll call her M) developed and ED two years ago, just after I started restricting for the first time. I lost 20 pounds as she started losing weight. She was never FAT, but she was muscular from sports and not necessarily skinny. But where she proved to be stronger than I was and am is when summer started and she continued staying strong. She lost probably 45 pounds over 5 months, where I just gained my weight back. She maintained her super skinny weight of 105 for 2 years, and recently she went into therapy to treat her anorexia. So, I support her but I know I would die if I was forced to gain the weight that she has gained back. Again, she's still not fat, but she has gained weight back (as most treatment patients do). POINT BEING—M has asked me about my eating, questioning if I have been restricting. So I have to be extremely cautious around her. Additionally, I know that I don't have to worry about treatment, because at 155 pounds no one is going to worry that I am dangerously skinny.

Ok. So that's great, sorry I am dragging on. I'll just lay out some facts here:
HW: 180-this past August. At this point, someone who is painfully honest told me that I looked healthy (this was a lie though) and that I had looked sickly skinny during the past spring (at 155…so…probably not). BUT at least people noticed my weight loss in the spring. Small victory in the long war!

CW: 155/161 (Weigh-in Friday was 155.4, this morning was 161 after two straight days of binging. Disgusting)

UGW: 120 is "underweight," so that is the ULTIMATE goal. But, possibly unrealistic. So…
GW: 135

Thanks for reading, if you're there PLEASE comment. I try to be strong, but I really need some affirmation here.

Love ya'll, stay beautiful :)