Day sixteen- The beginning.

"Day Sixteen- When did you first decide to lose weight?"

I think I first wanted to when I was like 11…5th grade maybe? But I started restricting as means to do so seriously probably three years ago, and its been a constant struggle of weight gain and weight loss. I would love to just not care, but like I said that seems impossible, and I would rather lose than get "help," not that I'm a 'bad' enough case to need any sort of professional help. That's the thing, no one would guess that I'm struggling with this, except my best friend. Fortunately I am an impeccable liar :] but then again, aren't we all?

Today and yesterday were pretty good days. I did a 5 mile loop yesterday and consumed around 600, leaving the net intake of about 100. Today I fasted until work and then I ate around 300 calories.. yuck yuck. I know that isn't really that much compared to a lot, but it is when its ONLY at work. Tomorrow is going to be a day filled with food as I have a celebration lunch and dinner..boo. We'll see how things hold up. Aiming for below 155 by the end of next week, I'm at around 161 as of right now (large.).

Hope you all are having great weeks so far, stay strong :]

—A

Day fifteen—veggies and more

"Day Fifteen- Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, has this helped you lose weight? If not, would you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?"

Ok, so this is kind of a weird answer; I was a vegetarian for about a year up until this spring. It was probably half so I would have an excuse not to eat when I was with people and half because blood freaks me out and I saw a thing on meat processing plants, so I was grossed out by eating something that had gone through that. However, I ended up gaining weight so that was not something effective for losing weight for me.

On another note, I decided last night that I'm going to wake up 30 minutes early every morning and do an ab workout circuit and do some stretching. Hopefully I'll be able to just start the day off calm and I'll be able to think about my ultimate goal right now, which is reaching my goal weights. That sounds lame, like the biggest thing I want right now is…weight loss. And to normal people, yes that is weird. But it is something that I've really wanted and there isn't really any other goal that I want quite as bad that doesn't involve other people (if that makes any sense..I can't control their behavior in response to getting my goal). So anyways! Today I haven't eaten anything except for a bite of a banana muffin…wasn't worth it. I may have some soup (120 for a whole can) around 2 when I get home. I don't have to work today (hooray!) so that takes away all sweet temptations. However, I am going to a dinner tonight that I can't get out of…Hopefully I'll get away with just a salad, dressing on the side.

Happy Monday!

—A

Day fourteen-Achieving the Ultimate.

"What’s your UGW? When you expect to reach it?"
My UGW would be 120, which is a BMI of 17.5 (I'm 5'9"). My goal right now is to be below 135 by August, so I'm aiming for 10 pounds a month. That's not even that dramatic of a weight loss, since the largest "healthy" amount of weight lost per week is 2 pounds, so just half a pound more per week. However, I will have to stay extremely motivated and not stray off this plan. And I really need to start running at least 5 times a week, because that really makes a difference! I love going on powerwalks, but they're less effective…Its just the easy way out I suppose.

Someone commented and asked why I do this if I know its not healthy. Well, I am well aware that it may not be healthy, but its my mind that's not healthy. And that sounds so dumb, and if I know its wrong why don't I just stop, but I can't. I literally have tried for the past 4 years and I always come back. Its not just a 'diet'. If that was true there wouldn't be treatment centers for this kind of thing. I would love more than anything to just not care about my weight, but I can't. I can't stop fixating on it; I can't stop wishing I was better at controlling what I eat. I just can't.

Hope ya'll have a good week!

—A

Day 13—"healthy or not?"

I feel like anyone looking at these blogs are definitely not healthy. Regardless of how successful they are at not eating, the mental aspect of wanting to starve yourself to reach that forever-unattainable goal isn't a normal way to think. Everyday, I start my day with a plan to not eat, and even though I usually fall while I'm at work, I still typically don't eat a meal by myself, and if I do its under 250 calories. That's a "big meal" when I'm alone. That's if I don't binge (which I will say hasn't happened in a while. I've learned that if you feel a binge coming on, eat SOMETHING filling, like soup and a sandwich because you can still control that and keep it at least below 300 but they keep you eating for a while!). But binging is also unhealthy, just at the opposite extreme.

Anyways, that's my view on the matter. I've been doing alright this week. I have two parties involving food, a lunch and dinner party, and some people from work really want to "grab a bite to eat" before I have to go to my dinner party. Ugh. Why do so many social events surround food? Probably because food is comforting to most people. But to us it puts us in hell.

Keep strong!

—A

FASTandfurious. (plus day twelve)

 Ok. So first of all, as I've told ya'll, I'm slacking. I'm weak. I'm well over 1500 calories a day and I am DISGUSTING. I literally am grossing myself out. Thus, I'm going to eat under 400 calories (the usual limit) tomorrow, and then reassess and fast until I get down below 160, so around 3 days. Blah fat-assery.

Anyways. Day 12= "How do you usually eat"
I binge. That's not news. I don't know if that's an eating disorder, but with that and not eating aside, my "normal" eating is pretty healthy stuff I suppose. I eat a lot of salads, I like fruits and veggies. But A. I never really am eating "normal," and B. I eat a lot of the stuff that I bake, and I bake everyday. SO. Yea. Overall I'm kind of a failure.

I hope you all are having a much stronger week, I promise to each of you (sooo like 7 people..?) that I will stick to my plan—under 400 tomorrow, fast Thursday/Friday. I gotta refocus on the goal, and ESPECIALLY my deadline! It's quickly approaching!


Love you all
Think thin :]

—A

Day Eleven- better late than never...

"Day Eleven- Your favorite thinspo blog and why!"

Ok. So my first blog that I read religiously from start to finish was Dying to be Thin. I was OBSESSED (and still am, although there was a super long hiatus, and her last two posts were like a week ago but were super short and didn't tell me anything about how she's doing…so sad!). But it was so so so honest, and she kept it up for so long. I don't know why I was so drawn to it, but I definitely was and I would LOVE for her to start writing again. We shall see!


As for me. Boo. Fat. I literally am failing. I do well until like 6 pm. So well. Under 300 calories. Then I am offered a normal dinner, and I eat it. Then I'm like "well, I screwed up already, let me try making these cookies. Let me eat these crackers while they're in the oven. Screw it, bowl of cereal? Sure!" UGH. I'm still disorganized. This past week has been crazy busy so I never got things together, like cleaning my room completely. Boo…Maybe this weekend. I need to revamp, refocus. Oh, and my back was killing me Friday after Thursday's run. If this continues every time I run I will be seriously depressed.

Love you all. I'm going to become a better example!

—A

ps. thanks for the comments :]

Dia diez- the challenges.

"What was the hardest thing you gave up during this “weight loss.”"

Ok well coming from someone who binges (ashamedly), stopping binging is the hardest part. The way the question is phrased makes me think something you like that you had to give up, and clearly I never liked binging. So I suppose the alternative would be giving up eating baked things…But I still slip and eat a little of whatever I bake when I'm testing a new recipe. The thing is, I have such a weird relationship with food in that my ultimate passion in life is baking, but I hate eating food. I.e., as ya'll probably relate to, I hate myself when I eat over 800 calories in a day. So you can imagine the tug-of-war. I also work in a restaurant, so I'm constantly being asked to try things that are packed with calories. I have been saying no though, which is a small victory. 

Anyways, I hope you are all having a marvelous Thursday thus far! I'm back to 160 this morning, which is still 5 pounds heavier than I was before Easter….dammit feast and lack of willpower. But today I have had 2 egg whites and a 1/2 tablespoon of salsa (sitting at 36 calories right now). I skipped the lunch group yesterday, thank God because I always end up eating a shit-ton at those! I do have my weekly lunch with a friend who I only see at these lunches, so I can't cancel. I do get to pick the restaurant, so I'm gonna ask if she wants to go to this salad place or somewhere with broth-y soup. I'm about to go run, I'm thinking 1 mile running, 1 walking, 1 running, 1 walking, 1 running…Since I'm still a little apprehensive about A. my injury and B. my ability, I'm going to not focus on being fast and just focus on sticking to that plan and finishing out each mile at the right pace for me and my back! 

Love you all! Think thin :]

—A