I let go.

I let go.
I stopped restricting. The Mia side of me stayed this summer though, with an emphasis on the binging. Disgusting.
I'm disgusting.
I gained 10 pounds this summer.
10.
I let go and now I have to make it better, and this time I have to get a lower weight than ever before. I refuse to let myself stay this fat. I restricted today, keeping below 300 calories. Tomorrow is going to have a 100 calorie limit…so that may include some eggs and some water-dense fruits or veggies. I need to run, but damn its hot. But that can't be an excuse, excuses don't shed weight. I want to drop this 10 pounds in 2 weeks, get back to where I was in May.

Ugh. I'm sorry I've let ya'll down, not that I really think anyone was looking up to me. This time will be different, cross my heart.

—A

21.

"Day Twenty-One- What are your clothing sizes?"

Typically I wear an 8. Boo. Sometimes a 10 if things run small, especially in shorts because I have really long legs and things are often way too short. I have some things in a 6 that barely fit (depressing..). My goal would be to be under a 4, but ideally a 2 or 0. I think my hip bones and shoulders are too big for a 0 though, dammit bone structure. Not to use that as an excuse to not get that small, but I think logistically I wouldn't be able to fit because bones don't really shrink in to accommodate smaller sizes. I think its important to be somewhat realistic with myself…somewhat.

Anyways, I'm doing pretty well on my restricting. I have gone 5 days without a binge (Yay!). The closest I got was a small spoonful of peanut butter with about 10 chocolate chips and a pretzel. But then I stopped. I have had an unusually high amount of parties/luncheons this week that were centered around a meal (I've talked about one already). I've managed to throw away my food without people noticing and with only eating a couple of strawberries or a few appetizers (the appetizers are me being fat). Oh, and i had half a cupcake today…boo. This week this is what I have eaten:

• Probably a cup total of sliced strawberries (50 cal)
• A 100 calorie bagel and a wedge of laughing cow cheese (135 cal)
• A half-cup of grapes (60 cal)
• 1/2 cup of egg beaters (60 cal) 
• Lean Cuisine mac and cheese…my weakness… (290 cal)
• 1 tbs. of peanut butter (100 cal)
• 10 chocolate chips (20 cal)
• Pretzel (20 cal)
• 5 Tortilla Chips (80 cal)
• 1 tbs. guacamole (25 cal)
• That damn cupcake (250 cal)

TOTAL FOR THE WEEK: 1,090 (approximately. Hopefully I'm not forgetting anything…)

I also went running again today, but I only did a mere 2 miles. Again, I need to remember I'm working up to being able to run more! I hope to be able to run 10 miles by August :) or maybe 13.1, a half-marathon would be cool.

I'm down to 158 as of this morning :) which isn't that good, but considering after Sunday's eat-fest at a brunch I was at 171.8. Gross. Never again! 

Hope you all are doing well :)

Love you skinnies,

—A

20.

"Day Twenty- Favorite diet?"

Hm…This one is tough because I never really follow a plan. Any diet is just restricting. Well this is a boring answer, I'm sorry.

ON ANOTHER NOTE… Fasting again today. Well, I did have to break that at the luncheon but barely. I planned it so I arrived 15 minutes late, after everyone had already served themselves and so they wouldn't see me get my food. There were some people in the room when I did get food and they were watching suspiciously, so I knew I had to make it look like I was getting a lot. I got around 5 strawberries and probably 3/4 cups of grapes and like 10 carrots and some salad (although I didn't eat any of this because the dressing looked super creamy=tons of calories). Anyways, that provided a ton of color and filled the plate, giving the allusion I was eating a lot more than I actually was. Here's the breakdown on those calories:

Strawberries: 30 cal

Grapes: 50 cal

Carrots: 40 cal

TOTAL: 120 :( I mean, this isn't too bad, BUT it was supposed to be a fast day. 

I did go on a 4 mile run this morning. Not going to lie, it was tough. Grr…It's going to be a process getting back to where I was on running. Just gotta stay focused. After weighing in this morning after the run though, I was 10 pounds under what it was on Sunday night after I had eaten all that shit, so that was exciting! But I know that it wasn't really 10 pounds worked off and gone, just overeaten me vs fasting me/sweated-everything-out me. Plus I'm just getting back to where I was a few weeks ago since I slipped off track…So back at 160. Gross. If only I could legitimately lose 10 pounds in 3 days EVERY three days! That would be incredibly awesome. But no. That doesn't work. So I'll continue working, gotta get down to 155 then 150 then 145 and on and on. 

WE CAN DO IT.

Love you all :)

—A

The nineteenth question.. Fast Food.

"Day Nineteen- When is the last time you ate fast food?"

I honestly can't remember. I think maybe this past summer, and I got a boca burger that Burger King had. Fast food is just never appealing. I guess I actually have had some of my friends' fries or tator tots from sonic or something, but that's it…

So the fasting went perfectly yesterday, I took in absolutely no calories :). However, I got called out at dinner tonight by a close friend and denied it by eating her plate of spaghetti instead of my salad…yuck. Then I went home and ate like 6 cookies and a serving of special k and then some turkey sandwich meat slices with hummus. Fatfatfatfatfatyuck. 4 laxatives will have to make up for that…even more disgusting. Yuck yuck yuck. Tomorrow will have to be another fasting day, I'll have to be super sneaky at the luncheon I'm required to go to…

And let me just go ahead and say ya'lls comments/suggestions make my day. Literally, I love knowing at least one or two people have read what I'm writing :) yall are the best. Even just one word would make my day better!

Keep up the fasts!

—A

Uhhh

Ok so time to revamp. I've said this before, and now its going to happen. I'm fasting today and tomorrow, and I'm going to try to keep going as long as I can. I'm going to keep it as a liquid fast, so if I absolutely have to I can have some soup. Just gotta keep these fasting days under 200 cal.

I overate yesterday. Massively. The thing that sucks about me and what I don't understand is how I literally can't find an in-between. I either eat way too much or nothing. I can't find that healthy medium. Anyone else feel the same way? Although I would SO much rather be unhealthy from not eating than eating shit. Anyways. I hope yall are all doing way better than me!

—A

Day eighteen…a little delayed.

"Day Eighteen- What food is your weakness?"

Macaroni and cheese. Hot damn I can't help eating it if it's available, or if its in my refrigerator I can't stop myself from heating it up. And seriously, that's like the worst food for you. All it is is fat and carbs. Butter and cheese and pasta and heavy cream. 

IAMAFATASS.

But that's not news.

I also eat a lot of icing at work because its one thing that's just out all the time. And they will put out a tray of 'scraps' for us to eat while we work, stuff that they can't use in a dish or that's extra. And I eat more than any of my co-workers. 

F. 

I need to get back on track. I need to reach my goal and I have a month to do so…That's 20 pounds in one month. 5 pounds a week. That means NO MORE BINGES. No more excuses. No more eating alone. No more sitting on my lazy ass. 

Tomorrow starts things. Looking at pictures from a function I went to Friday made me realize I have made NO change since the fall. And that's disgusting. I'm going to need to fast this week to get back to 160 (so fucking fat.) and I need to run at least 12 miles a week for the next month, then I'll up the requirement once I am back in shape. Also, I need to make sure I do my ab circuit EVERY DAY, not just 3/7 days of the week. 

Cmon fatass self, get yourself together. 

Your appearance is a reflection of your will power. 

Ya'll are all my thinspo.

—A

Help.

Ok yall. As much as I wish I were in control, I'm not. And I wish my plans on restricting would be followed, but I don't. I binge too much, and I think I need to conquer binge eating before I focus on just restricting. I don't know what I should do to go about this, so PLEASE offer suggestions! I don't need/want 'professional' help, but I feel like I have BE disorder and as much as I feel like thats a cop out of an excuse for not restricting, I really feel like I am completely out of control with that. I just don't know what to do to stop, since it seems like one would just be able to not binge. Just not do it. But I can't.

Shit.

My eating habits have become shit. I'm ashamed.