Dia diez- the challenges.

"What was the hardest thing you gave up during this “weight loss.”"

Ok well coming from someone who binges (ashamedly), stopping binging is the hardest part. The way the question is phrased makes me think something you like that you had to give up, and clearly I never liked binging. So I suppose the alternative would be giving up eating baked things…But I still slip and eat a little of whatever I bake when I'm testing a new recipe. The thing is, I have such a weird relationship with food in that my ultimate passion in life is baking, but I hate eating food. I.e., as ya'll probably relate to, I hate myself when I eat over 800 calories in a day. So you can imagine the tug-of-war. I also work in a restaurant, so I'm constantly being asked to try things that are packed with calories. I have been saying no though, which is a small victory. 

Anyways, I hope you are all having a marvelous Thursday thus far! I'm back to 160 this morning, which is still 5 pounds heavier than I was before Easter….dammit feast and lack of willpower. But today I have had 2 egg whites and a 1/2 tablespoon of salsa (sitting at 36 calories right now). I skipped the lunch group yesterday, thank God because I always end up eating a shit-ton at those! I do have my weekly lunch with a friend who I only see at these lunches, so I can't cancel. I do get to pick the restaurant, so I'm gonna ask if she wants to go to this salad place or somewhere with broth-y soup. I'm about to go run, I'm thinking 1 mile running, 1 walking, 1 running, 1 walking, 1 running…Since I'm still a little apprehensive about A. my injury and B. my ability, I'm going to not focus on being fast and just focus on sticking to that plan and finishing out each mile at the right pace for me and my back! 

Love you all! Think thin :]

—A

Day 9—Negative comments?

I've only had a few comments about weight..more comments come from restricting when I'm with friends. I have a lot of friends who can eat literally whatever they want so when I opt out of eating the cakes or whatever they make just for fun they criticize (although they should see that I in no way need to be eating cake!). But someone told me that I was 'too skinny' last year, but I seriously think they're just saying that because they don't really seem to notice sizes of most people, if that makes sense. She's not fat, she's super athletic though so I think anyone that's not muscular is "too small" in her eyes because she's used to being kind of ripped. Anyways, that's the only 'negativity' I've received. And my best friend asked if I had an ED but I quickly dispelled that idea. I don't know if you would necessarily call that negative anyways since it's true…Oh well!

So yesterday I got back on running and it only hurt my back a little, wooohoo! I did a little over 5 miles, so 550 calories. It's going to be a challenge to do this everyday because I work until at least 7:30 every night and I still have to do a lot of stuff, but that still leaves me like 3 hours to get things done, plenty of time to get an hour long work-out in! Always gotta be up for a challenge, otherwise you don't grow. Today I have a lunch group thing, but I feel like I can't go or I will binge like last week. The theme of the week is like grilling//frying...So burgers and chicken fingers are on the menu, probably fries. I can't go. I want to. But I can't. I think maybe I'll have a boca burger wrapped in lettuce instead, that'll be 70 calories. As of now, I have had some Special k to prevent a binge and one egg white, leaving me at 150 calories. Its only 10 am! Goodness. But 210 by the time I go to work isn't too bad, I just can't eat ANYTHING while I'm there. Thought of taking apple slices… 45 additional calories? So 255, then soup for dinner (140)=395. That leaves me just below my 400 calorie limit, seems pretty good! Then the 500-600 cal workout…I think I'll take an apple :)

Love ya'll, keep it up!!

-A

Ps. Love the new followers! Feel free to leave a comment, they make my day :)

Day Eight- Your workout routine..

Ok. So my workout routine is a bad one, I need to recommit to it. I used to run a lot until I pulled a muscle in my back really badly and could barely walk for a while. But that was in the beginning of March, so I think it's fine to run again. I think I'm just being lazy and weak and using it as an excuse. But otherwise, I usually go on 4-8 mile powerwalks a lot with friends (good way to avoid going to eat just to catch up with someone) and I also go bike riding with friends. But I need one consistent workout routine again. I think I'm going to refocus on running with the goal of 10 miles. I've gotten up to 8 right before my injury SO hopefully by summer I'll be back in the swing of things..

Ok. SO on another note, I think I'm being slightly unrealistic with myself. Clearly I have trouble with controlling my binges and I thinkkk that part of that has to do with throwing myself into fasts after binging. SO I'm going to be more realistic and do under 400 cal. days and then fasts once I go without binging for a week! I know this is a lot weaker than other anas, but I know I can set goals to impress other people. I have to do what I know I can do, and that should let me be stronger overall rather than setting 'impressive' goals and then failing completely. So today I have eaten soup and I ate half of a cookie…boo. But I'm currently at 200 so I'm going to not eat until I get home from work late tonight and hopefully I will not eat then, but if I need to I can eat some chicken broth or soup again, maybe an apple or (better yet) pickles (my new obsession!) if I feel a binge coming on!!!

Love yall!

-A

Day 7—Parents.

Well the question today is if your parents know you're trying to lose weight. Mine don't, my mom may have a slight idea BUT she's always been tiny and obsessive over the way she looks so I don't think she would ever do anything. My dad is a little overweight and also slightly oblivious about stuff so I don't think he'd ever really even notice.

On another (way overused) note, I am a giant fatass. I hate myself. I hate my obsession with food and my obsession with the scale. These two things are constantly fighting, playing tug-of-war with me in the middle. I love cooking, I love trying new recipes, I appreciate good food. I also binge eat. And then I cut myself when the scale tips at hugely massive, whale-sized weight. Which is always. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I can't control myself anymore. Why the hell can't I stop eating? I don't understand. I don't get this. What the hell is wrong with me? I know I don't think normally—normal people don't think not eating is ok. I think it's the only way, and that I'm disgusting for eating. That being said, normal people don't eat their weight in food.

ANA. Help me. Save me from this fat, weak person that I've become. Stop me from eating. What the hell is my problem.

This is torture. Self torture in the form of eating without stopping. I'm not hungry. I'm sick from looking at myself. I have literally gained 15 pounds in like a week. This is sickening. I'm disgusting. I'm an embarrassment.

Tomorrow I am not eating. I am not going into the kitchen. I am not going to try things at work. I am going to be strong. I am going to be controlled. I am going to find Ana. I am going to have her hold my hand as I get back on track. I am going to make another red bracelet. I am going to wear a red rubber band again to snap when I want to eat. This is happening. 135. Lets go.

-A.

The Plan

Ok. Post two within like an hour, I'm sorry. BUT I need to plan. I like organizing, I like lists, so here goes:

CW after binging all weekend…..168.2

[[Disgusting. Fatass. Pig. Weak. Me.]]

GW:135.

UGW: 120.

Deadline for GW: June 15 [[52 days…7 weeks, sooo that's 4-5 pounds a week. shiiit.]]

NON-NEGOTIABLE—140 by June 15 [[less than 4 a week.]]

Plan:

*Kick-start with a 3 day fast—water, tea, coffee, diet coke, broth. ONLY.

*Then less that 400 a day. Max EVER is 1000. And that's pretty damn high.

*Always fast completely at least two days of the week.

**DON'T BINGE ON WEEKENDS!#@$%#Q@@!#$ Can't stress this one enough!

I also need to work out more. Especially running. No excuses. Although I fear people will see my obesity if I run outside…So I'll be running on the tredmill until I'm under 150. Also, I want to start one of those ab circuits that are in like Self or cosmo or whatever. I feel like that'd be effective.

Confession: On a pretty consistent basis, I think that people are looking at me in disgust over the fat on my body. I'm always aware of it. And why wouldn't they? I think the same thing.

Anyways…Night lovely anas. Let this week be lighter than the last

—A

Day 6...

Ok so I missed a day on the 30 day challenge. So here's day six…

"Day Six- Do you binge? If so, explain why you think you do"

Yes. I do. Like today. So much fucking food in my house. I ate so much and now my stomach is about to explode and the weight on the scale literally made me want to cry, I can't even bring myself to type it. I'm going to have to seriously fast—water, coffee and diet coke ONLY—for at least three days to even get down to 160. UGH. So gross. And I feel like every post is about my failures. That is pathetic. I need to refocus on my goal, my strength, my willpower. I am WEAK.

But anyways…I don't know why I binge. I get in these disgusting frenzies where I just eat way past being full, to the point of pain and I'm conscious of what I'm doing during it but I can't stop. And then I hate myself. Hate. Like, I have no control and I let myself down.

This is super emo, I'm sorry. On the flip side, I ended up having a fun Easter with good friends despite my family not being able to come at the last minute. If only it wasn't centered around massive amounts of food/my thoughts weren't centered around the guilt that comes with that…

Tomorrow's a new day, a new chance to prove that I'm stronger than food.

Love you all!

-A

Day Five-Reasons

OK so today's question is:

Why do you really want to lose this weight? Are you doing it for you?

I want to because I want to be stronger than I am now. It's not something everyone can do, and I don't want to go on without being in control of my life. No one else can make me eat, its my choice every time. I see the fat on my body as laziness and lack of self-discipline. Those are two things I never want to be. So yes, I'm doing this for myself, I know my friends would never think any different of me if I were heavy as opposed to really skinny. I don't want to impress people. I just want to know for myself that I can be strong. So while I may want to be able to be confident and wear size zero clothes, it is for me.

Anyways, weighed in at 157 this morning. Which, you know, should be good because yesterday morning it was 161 (I fasted yesterday) BUT last Friday night it was 155 after a week where four days were fasting days. So I still have a ways to go until 135… I have eaten some egg whites with veggies and half a cup of oatmeal at a breakfast with a friend and then I had a Boca burger (I'm OBSESSED with these and have been for years) with a slice of cheese (here was the mistake. Not worth the calories) wrapped in lettuce (0 calories, ALWAYS the better choice than bread). I also had half of a 100 calorie bag of popcorn because I felt a binge coming on…I don't have anything to do until 2 today other than that breakfast and when I get bored, I eat. I need a hobby other than baking…Any suggestions?? I love crafts. Not painting, but like little detailed craft things. SO if you have suggestions, let me know :]

Happy Easter! Keep up the strength,

—A