well shit.

Well holy shit. I'm weak. I've let myself go. I'm a cow. Literally, not in the sense that some people say that and their collar bones are still sticking out, I'm entirely jealous of those people. I'm a cow as in i have gained 20 pounds over 3 months. Pardon my french, but what the fuck. Where is any sense of self control? I'm going to see the guy I'm in love with and I haven't seen him in 3 months, only communication is over the computer every day. Little does he know that I've gained the equivalent of a small child since I last saw him. Agh. Shit. I have 2 weeks. I can lose 15 if I'm diligent… I was able to get down about that much in two weeks in the spring. I am one hundred and fucking eighty pounds. What is that. That is weakness. That is disgusting. That is not ok. I'm not myself. I let go. I'm out of control. This is stopping now. The goal is 140, people told me that I was looking kind of grossly skinny at 150 in April, I gained 10 pounds in May and from June to today its been 20 more. Fuck. That's so gross. Its either killing my body by being fat or by being skinny, so I pick the latter. I need to get back to this, I want to be smaller than I was when I was "grossly skinny"; I need to be 140. I have til December to meet this goal, if not, I'm going to have to step it up a notch. No more than 300 calories a day. Protein for energy.. So I think those egg beater things that are 60 calories for a half a cup before you cook them are good.. I can have that for breakfast lunch and dinner and maybe like.. I don't know what. Something under 120 calories. But 300 is the cap. Come on self.
Additionally. I have no fan base. I'm literally talking to myself. No followers. That's somewhat pathetic too. But that's currently my life. Great.