I am about to explode.
No, seriously, I think I ate enough this weekend to make up for the whole week of fasting. I am disgusting. I am a fatass. I am weak and I am unwilling to even call myself a friend of Ana's. I am so unbelievably ashamed.
Here's the thing—there's always that fat person you see eating and eating and eating and you can't help but be disgusted, and you can't help but thinking 'why are you always eating? You of all people don't need to be eating.'
Well shit. I feel like I'm that person.
My stomach is about to explode. I hate myself for eating all of this. This week is a fasting week. I have to lose like 15 or more pounds by next Friday (the 21st) because I have a pool party to go to. Therefore, I'm allotting myself ONE meal, and 10 apples for the entire week. I have should have absolutely no desire to eat after this week of killing myself with fat and calories and carbs. It is not ok. Again, I am ashamed, I am weak. I'm thinking of trying a saltwater cleansing thing that I've read about tomorrow afternoon… We'll see how that goes.
I need to purify my body from all this shit. It should not be in my body.
GIVE ME STRENGTH ANA. Please.
-A
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
Sidenote...
Ok. Quick addition to what I just said.
So what real joy do I get out of eating? None, if I really think about it. It just makes me hate myself for being so goddamn weak.
HOWEVER, I feel so good about coming up with lies and deceiving people by preparing plates that look like I've eaten so much in order to dodge suspicion.
Cunningness is much more desirable than fatness, people. Remember that.
So what real joy do I get out of eating? None, if I really think about it. It just makes me hate myself for being so goddamn weak.
HOWEVER, I feel so good about coming up with lies and deceiving people by preparing plates that look like I've eaten so much in order to dodge suspicion.
Cunningness is much more desirable than fatness, people. Remember that.
Oh scale..
154.2.
That's what the little square box on the scale told me yesterday.
Now, exactly a week before it read "164.5". So. Yea, that was pretty freaking awesome. I only had a bowl of granola yesterday around 5 in the morning(MISTAKE. Granola is packed with calories. PACKED. And yet, I just ate another bowl. Yay for about 350 calories in about 5 minutes.) and that was the only thing, following in the footsteps of the rest of the week, that I ate all day other than my allotted apple. So anyway, 10 pounds,7 days, pretty great. Then I ruined it. I psyched myself out, I told myself that it was ok to eat yesterday. (Read:eat, not binge. Not the way it turned out). Oh my fuck, did I eat. 2 pieces of lasagna, a bowl of cheerios, another bowl of fiber 1 topped with some granola, those little pretzel thins, some of my roommates serving of ice cream… Just disgusting.
And here's the problem. I had strawberries, which are mostly water. I ate the shit in the pantry. And I kept going back for more.
Now I'm afraid to step back on the scale… I think it'll be 2 pounds higher, if not more. FUCKKKK.. sorry. I'm racing this weekend, which is kind of how I justified the lasagna (carbs for energy), but God damn, this is not going to be ok in the long run. If I want to keep looking like a fatass, I need to keep eating like this. Oh wait—I have no desire to look like that.
Ugh. I was controlling so well.
Here we go again. Starting over. One week, we want 7 more pounds to come off… Or at least down to 150 by next Friday, one week from today.
BE STRONGER THAN I AM.
-Ana
That's what the little square box on the scale told me yesterday.
Now, exactly a week before it read "164.5". So. Yea, that was pretty freaking awesome. I only had a bowl of granola yesterday around 5 in the morning(MISTAKE. Granola is packed with calories. PACKED. And yet, I just ate another bowl. Yay for about 350 calories in about 5 minutes.) and that was the only thing, following in the footsteps of the rest of the week, that I ate all day other than my allotted apple. So anyway, 10 pounds,7 days, pretty great. Then I ruined it. I psyched myself out, I told myself that it was ok to eat yesterday. (Read:eat, not binge. Not the way it turned out). Oh my fuck, did I eat. 2 pieces of lasagna, a bowl of cheerios, another bowl of fiber 1 topped with some granola, those little pretzel thins, some of my roommates serving of ice cream… Just disgusting.
And here's the problem. I had strawberries, which are mostly water. I ate the shit in the pantry. And I kept going back for more.
Now I'm afraid to step back on the scale… I think it'll be 2 pounds higher, if not more. FUCKKKK.. sorry. I'm racing this weekend, which is kind of how I justified the lasagna (carbs for energy), but God damn, this is not going to be ok in the long run. If I want to keep looking like a fatass, I need to keep eating like this. Oh wait—I have no desire to look like that.
Ugh. I was controlling so well.
Here we go again. Starting over. One week, we want 7 more pounds to come off… Or at least down to 150 by next Friday, one week from today.
BE STRONGER THAN I AM.
-Ana
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Cookies and Coffee.
Ok. I was offered cookies so many times today. I'm not really sure why, but everyone had made some sort of chocolatey cookies today, and they all felt like sharing (maybe they realized the massive amounts of butter and sugar in those suckers would end up on their thighs…). But Ana kept me strong! I kept thinking about the "look at how much stronger you are them" quote, which helped a lot. Also, I started wearing a rubber band (red, for Ana) on my wrist and I snap it when I'm tempted. A little classical conditioning for ya… But it really does help. I have to disguise it when I'm around people, make it seem like an absentminded thing that doesn't actually hurt (although it sort of does, that's the point).
Anyway, I had 3 apples today (one too many… boo. 150 calories) and a 1/2 cup of Fiber One cereal (60 calories) with 1/8 cup milk (no skim in the house, so I had to go with sick-nasty 2%, which just tastes weird to me now… so that was around 25 calories). I had a couple of veggie chips (around 70 calories) and a tbs of hummus (30 calories). I also drank a lot of black coffee, which, on a nearly empty stomach, kept me wired (if you can imagine). Total for the day: around 335, which I think was cancelled out by my workout today. Not too bad. There was a lot of food that was worthless though, I still need to work up this willpower.
Anyway, I'm swamped with crap, so this is it for the day.
Keep working at the goal… You're closer everyday so do not give in.
Love you all
-Ana
Anyway, I had 3 apples today (one too many… boo. 150 calories) and a 1/2 cup of Fiber One cereal (60 calories) with 1/8 cup milk (no skim in the house, so I had to go with sick-nasty 2%, which just tastes weird to me now… so that was around 25 calories). I had a couple of veggie chips (around 70 calories) and a tbs of hummus (30 calories). I also drank a lot of black coffee, which, on a nearly empty stomach, kept me wired (if you can imagine). Total for the day: around 335, which I think was cancelled out by my workout today. Not too bad. There was a lot of food that was worthless though, I still need to work up this willpower.
Anyway, I'm swamped with crap, so this is it for the day.
Keep working at the goal… You're closer everyday so do not give in.
Love you all
-Ana
Monday, May 3, 2010
(Only) an apple a day keeps the fatness away
Apples are good.
Fun fact: they wake you up more than a cup of coffee. They're also delicious. And travel well. And take a good amount of time to eat. That creates the illusion that you're eating more than you are for other people, and tricks your mind into thinking you've had a lot to eat. They also have a lot of fiber, so that fills you up. Also, they can be sliced up into quarters, then you can have one for every meal and a snack after! Oh, and a small apple is 40 calories. SO. They're kind of perfect.
Thus, today I only had 2 apples and nothing else. I claimed a stomachache and no one questioned it, so that was awesome. I went running at 6, about 2.5 miles before I had to get back home, shower, and get ready for the day. I just got back from running (another 2.5 miles) and doing 2000 m on the rowing machine. SO I think that was a successful day, hopefully about 700 calories burned in addition to the 2000 the body burns naturally. With the 2 apples factored in I'm hopefully coming out at −2620 calories for the day. Could be better… Boo.
I am down 4 pounds from Friday, not too good though. Its not very good, seeing as that only puts me at a fat-ass 160. The goal is to be 150 by next Friday, which will be damn near impossible. BUT only time will tell!!!
Keep working at it, you all are strong. Bones=beautiful.
Be the girl whose extreme self control everyone envies.
-Ana
Fun fact: they wake you up more than a cup of coffee. They're also delicious. And travel well. And take a good amount of time to eat. That creates the illusion that you're eating more than you are for other people, and tricks your mind into thinking you've had a lot to eat. They also have a lot of fiber, so that fills you up. Also, they can be sliced up into quarters, then you can have one for every meal and a snack after! Oh, and a small apple is 40 calories. SO. They're kind of perfect.
Thus, today I only had 2 apples and nothing else. I claimed a stomachache and no one questioned it, so that was awesome. I went running at 6, about 2.5 miles before I had to get back home, shower, and get ready for the day. I just got back from running (another 2.5 miles) and doing 2000 m on the rowing machine. SO I think that was a successful day, hopefully about 700 calories burned in addition to the 2000 the body burns naturally. With the 2 apples factored in I'm hopefully coming out at −2620 calories for the day. Could be better… Boo.
I am down 4 pounds from Friday, not too good though. Its not very good, seeing as that only puts me at a fat-ass 160. The goal is to be 150 by next Friday, which will be damn near impossible. BUT only time will tell!!!
Keep working at it, you all are strong. Bones=beautiful.
Be the girl whose extreme self control everyone envies.
-Ana
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Hmmm...
So I did pretty good today. I had 2 chewy bars and 2 apples, and a nature valley bar later in the day. I was in some races today, so I ate the granola bars for the sole purpose of having energy. There was so much food at these races, and all of it was free for the participants. The whole time I was thinking about something I read—"watch other people eating fatty foods and feel superior". I know that sounds bitchy, but it really helped (first of all, I don't know why there was so much disgustingly unhealthy food at the races. I'm talking pigs in a blanket, chips and salsa, and so many different types of other chips). I was with a friend later today, around 6, and we decided to go to Central Market, so for 'dinner' we just sampled things... I had maybe 200 calories worth there (which is a semi-upsetting amount). Right now, my stomach is growling so much I can't sleep which is stupid. Doesn't my body know there's plenty of fat for it to mooch off of?? Ugh. Ok. Well, I don't know if anyone's reading this blog.. Sooo if you are, feel free to leave a comment, just so I'm not rambling on to no one.
Keep it up.
-Ana
Keep it up.
-Ana
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
