Friday, September 30, 2011


I'll be honest.

Honesty isn't easy for me.
Not in a "I live a lie" kind of way, but in that if I screw up, I will not easily accept it. Which is probably why I have denied the DISGUSTING weight gain. I'm back at 175 fucking (sorry) pounds, and I honestly hate myself for it. I have been readjusting with things, and I got complacent. So I'm going to do a cleanse/detox thing for a week, just to try to get rid of this shit. I feel like a heifer, and I am so not proud of this. I want to be a runner, a slim, toned girl. I want to have a boy be able to lift me easily and to not see me as the fat girl because, honestly, that is how I feel they see me. I know we all have 'distorted views of ourselves,' but how distorted are the really? So here goes. I am restarting, once again. Time to step up, get everything in my life to be more controlled. Its times when I'm the most organized, the most structured that I can control my food obsession and restrict well. So here goes. Once again. Wish me luck, let me know if you have detox tips. Sorry I suck at inspiration. I'll post some thinspo once I get enough :)


Wednesday, August 10, 2011

What the hell.

Why can't I do this.
I plan everything. These plans would work if I fucking stuck to them for more than a week.
I have been wanting to reach simple milestones for over two years. That is just pathetic.
I'm a pathetic excuse for a person. But really, why can't I do this. I do not hold myself accountable.
10 pounds. That's the weight I have to be at by the end of August. 160. That's pathetic, I can't even get down to that, and that's still the size of a cow. I was 169 this morning when I woke up. I hate myself for this.
But really. I can't keep this weight up. I hate my fat face. I hate my fat thighs. I hate my fat ass my fat stomach my fat arms.
I want to be toned, to turn heads, to be pretty. That can't happen while I'm a heifer.
If this is something I want so badly, the biggest single goal that I have 100% control over, why can't I stick to it.
Restarting. Go.
I want:

  • 160. then 150. then 140. then 130. then less.
  • the gap.
  • flat stomach
  • thin arms
  • cheekbones
  • hipbones
  • collarbones.
  • anthing for thin.

Thursday, August 4, 2011


So I restricted for the past few days, and I went from tipping the scale at 175.2 on Sunday night to 163.2 this morning. So yea, thats a shit ton of weight from 3 days of restricting and working out, but I know it'll all come back with eating, but hopefully I'm getting rid of some fat in there. Question (dumb one as it is)—is 12 pounds of water weight that is lost noticeable? I sure as hell hope so. I want to be below 160 by the 15th, to the point where even if I eat a full meal if I'm out with people that I won't get above that mark. Once I'm below that, I will not let myself ever get above it.

Here's some thinspo for you all :]

I just liked this one.