Dia diez- the challenges.

"What was the hardest thing you gave up during this “weight loss.”"

Ok well coming from someone who binges (ashamedly), stopping binging is the hardest part. The way the question is phrased makes me think something you like that you had to give up, and clearly I never liked binging. So I suppose the alternative would be giving up eating baked things…But I still slip and eat a little of whatever I bake when I'm testing a new recipe. The thing is, I have such a weird relationship with food in that my ultimate passion in life is baking, but I hate eating food. I.e., as ya'll probably relate to, I hate myself when I eat over 800 calories in a day. So you can imagine the tug-of-war. I also work in a restaurant, so I'm constantly being asked to try things that are packed with calories. I have been saying no though, which is a small victory. 

Anyways, I hope you are all having a marvelous Thursday thus far! I'm back to 160 this morning, which is still 5 pounds heavier than I was before Easter….dammit feast and lack of willpower. But today I have had 2 egg whites and a 1/2 tablespoon of salsa (sitting at 36 calories right now). I skipped the lunch group yesterday, thank God because I always end up eating a shit-ton at those! I do have my weekly lunch with a friend who I only see at these lunches, so I can't cancel. I do get to pick the restaurant, so I'm gonna ask if she wants to go to this salad place or somewhere with broth-y soup. I'm about to go run, I'm thinking 1 mile running, 1 walking, 1 running, 1 walking, 1 running…Since I'm still a little apprehensive about A. my injury and B. my ability, I'm going to not focus on being fast and just focus on sticking to that plan and finishing out each mile at the right pace for me and my back! 

Love you all! Think thin :]

—A

Day 9—Negative comments?

I've only had a few comments about weight..more comments come from restricting when I'm with friends. I have a lot of friends who can eat literally whatever they want so when I opt out of eating the cakes or whatever they make just for fun they criticize (although they should see that I in no way need to be eating cake!). But someone told me that I was 'too skinny' last year, but I seriously think they're just saying that because they don't really seem to notice sizes of most people, if that makes sense. She's not fat, she's super athletic though so I think anyone that's not muscular is "too small" in her eyes because she's used to being kind of ripped. Anyways, that's the only 'negativity' I've received. And my best friend asked if I had an ED but I quickly dispelled that idea. I don't know if you would necessarily call that negative anyways since it's true…Oh well!

So yesterday I got back on running and it only hurt my back a little, wooohoo! I did a little over 5 miles, so 550 calories. It's going to be a challenge to do this everyday because I work until at least 7:30 every night and I still have to do a lot of stuff, but that still leaves me like 3 hours to get things done, plenty of time to get an hour long work-out in! Always gotta be up for a challenge, otherwise you don't grow. Today I have a lunch group thing, but I feel like I can't go or I will binge like last week. The theme of the week is like grilling//frying...So burgers and chicken fingers are on the menu, probably fries. I can't go. I want to. But I can't. I think maybe I'll have a boca burger wrapped in lettuce instead, that'll be 70 calories. As of now, I have had some Special k to prevent a binge and one egg white, leaving me at 150 calories. Its only 10 am! Goodness. But 210 by the time I go to work isn't too bad, I just can't eat ANYTHING while I'm there. Thought of taking apple slices… 45 additional calories? So 255, then soup for dinner (140)=395. That leaves me just below my 400 calorie limit, seems pretty good! Then the 500-600 cal workout…I think I'll take an apple :)

Love ya'll, keep it up!!

-A

Ps. Love the new followers! Feel free to leave a comment, they make my day :)

Day Eight- Your workout routine..

Ok. So my workout routine is a bad one, I need to recommit to it. I used to run a lot until I pulled a muscle in my back really badly and could barely walk for a while. But that was in the beginning of March, so I think it's fine to run again. I think I'm just being lazy and weak and using it as an excuse. But otherwise, I usually go on 4-8 mile powerwalks a lot with friends (good way to avoid going to eat just to catch up with someone) and I also go bike riding with friends. But I need one consistent workout routine again. I think I'm going to refocus on running with the goal of 10 miles. I've gotten up to 8 right before my injury SO hopefully by summer I'll be back in the swing of things..

Ok. SO on another note, I think I'm being slightly unrealistic with myself. Clearly I have trouble with controlling my binges and I thinkkk that part of that has to do with throwing myself into fasts after binging. SO I'm going to be more realistic and do under 400 cal. days and then fasts once I go without binging for a week! I know this is a lot weaker than other anas, but I know I can set goals to impress other people. I have to do what I know I can do, and that should let me be stronger overall rather than setting 'impressive' goals and then failing completely. So today I have eaten soup and I ate half of a cookie…boo. But I'm currently at 200 so I'm going to not eat until I get home from work late tonight and hopefully I will not eat then, but if I need to I can eat some chicken broth or soup again, maybe an apple or (better yet) pickles (my new obsession!) if I feel a binge coming on!!!

Love yall!

-A

Day 7—Parents.

Well the question today is if your parents know you're trying to lose weight. Mine don't, my mom may have a slight idea BUT she's always been tiny and obsessive over the way she looks so I don't think she would ever do anything. My dad is a little overweight and also slightly oblivious about stuff so I don't think he'd ever really even notice.

On another (way overused) note, I am a giant fatass. I hate myself. I hate my obsession with food and my obsession with the scale. These two things are constantly fighting, playing tug-of-war with me in the middle. I love cooking, I love trying new recipes, I appreciate good food. I also binge eat. And then I cut myself when the scale tips at hugely massive, whale-sized weight. Which is always. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I can't control myself anymore. Why the hell can't I stop eating? I don't understand. I don't get this. What the hell is wrong with me? I know I don't think normally—normal people don't think not eating is ok. I think it's the only way, and that I'm disgusting for eating. That being said, normal people don't eat their weight in food.

ANA. Help me. Save me from this fat, weak person that I've become. Stop me from eating. What the hell is my problem.

This is torture. Self torture in the form of eating without stopping. I'm not hungry. I'm sick from looking at myself. I have literally gained 15 pounds in like a week. This is sickening. I'm disgusting. I'm an embarrassment.

Tomorrow I am not eating. I am not going into the kitchen. I am not going to try things at work. I am going to be strong. I am going to be controlled. I am going to find Ana. I am going to have her hold my hand as I get back on track. I am going to make another red bracelet. I am going to wear a red rubber band again to snap when I want to eat. This is happening. 135. Lets go.

-A.

The Plan

Ok. Post two within like an hour, I'm sorry. BUT I need to plan. I like organizing, I like lists, so here goes:

CW after binging all weekend…..168.2

[[Disgusting. Fatass. Pig. Weak. Me.]]

GW:135.

UGW: 120.

Deadline for GW: June 15 [[52 days…7 weeks, sooo that's 4-5 pounds a week. shiiit.]]

NON-NEGOTIABLE—140 by June 15 [[less than 4 a week.]]

Plan:

*Kick-start with a 3 day fast—water, tea, coffee, diet coke, broth. ONLY.

*Then less that 400 a day. Max EVER is 1000. And that's pretty damn high.

*Always fast completely at least two days of the week.

**DON'T BINGE ON WEEKENDS!#@$%#Q@@!#$ Can't stress this one enough!

I also need to work out more. Especially running. No excuses. Although I fear people will see my obesity if I run outside…So I'll be running on the tredmill until I'm under 150. Also, I want to start one of those ab circuits that are in like Self or cosmo or whatever. I feel like that'd be effective.

Confession: On a pretty consistent basis, I think that people are looking at me in disgust over the fat on my body. I'm always aware of it. And why wouldn't they? I think the same thing.

Anyways…Night lovely anas. Let this week be lighter than the last

—A

Day 6...

Ok so I missed a day on the 30 day challenge. So here's day six…

"Day Six- Do you binge? If so, explain why you think you do"

Yes. I do. Like today. So much fucking food in my house. I ate so much and now my stomach is about to explode and the weight on the scale literally made me want to cry, I can't even bring myself to type it. I'm going to have to seriously fast—water, coffee and diet coke ONLY—for at least three days to even get down to 160. UGH. So gross. And I feel like every post is about my failures. That is pathetic. I need to refocus on my goal, my strength, my willpower. I am WEAK.

But anyways…I don't know why I binge. I get in these disgusting frenzies where I just eat way past being full, to the point of pain and I'm conscious of what I'm doing during it but I can't stop. And then I hate myself. Hate. Like, I have no control and I let myself down.

This is super emo, I'm sorry. On the flip side, I ended up having a fun Easter with good friends despite my family not being able to come at the last minute. If only it wasn't centered around massive amounts of food/my thoughts weren't centered around the guilt that comes with that…

Tomorrow's a new day, a new chance to prove that I'm stronger than food.

Love you all!

-A

Day Five-Reasons

OK so today's question is:

Why do you really want to lose this weight? Are you doing it for you?

I want to because I want to be stronger than I am now. It's not something everyone can do, and I don't want to go on without being in control of my life. No one else can make me eat, its my choice every time. I see the fat on my body as laziness and lack of self-discipline. Those are two things I never want to be. So yes, I'm doing this for myself, I know my friends would never think any different of me if I were heavy as opposed to really skinny. I don't want to impress people. I just want to know for myself that I can be strong. So while I may want to be able to be confident and wear size zero clothes, it is for me.

Anyways, weighed in at 157 this morning. Which, you know, should be good because yesterday morning it was 161 (I fasted yesterday) BUT last Friday night it was 155 after a week where four days were fasting days. So I still have a ways to go until 135… I have eaten some egg whites with veggies and half a cup of oatmeal at a breakfast with a friend and then I had a Boca burger (I'm OBSESSED with these and have been for years) with a slice of cheese (here was the mistake. Not worth the calories) wrapped in lettuce (0 calories, ALWAYS the better choice than bread). I also had half of a 100 calorie bag of popcorn because I felt a binge coming on…I don't have anything to do until 2 today other than that breakfast and when I get bored, I eat. I need a hobby other than baking…Any suggestions?? I love crafts. Not painting, but like little detailed craft things. SO if you have suggestions, let me know :]

Happy Easter! Keep up the strength,

—A

Day 4…Greatest Fears of weight loss?

Hey ya'll. Quick post here.. The question is "greatest fears of weight loss," which seems like a weird question to me because I really don't FEAR anything about weight loss. That's the one things I want and I would literally do anything for it. I don't know if I'm interpreting it wrong though..I guess I fear that someone will get worried if I lose too much weight and intervene. That's probably my fear.

Anyways, I haven't eaten anything today, woohoo. But I still have to go to work in the restaurant, so I'm going to fight and stay strong. The scale is 160.8. So I have a long way to go…I want to be 155 by the end of next week. I HAVE to reach that. More to come later..I'll report in on how the work shift goes!

Love all of you. Stay strong!

-A

Day Three—Thinspo and my failure

Ok…so today's question is about a thinspo picture and what we envy about the person. I like a lot of them, but this one is a real person's picture and I feel like that's really inspiring because it doesn't have touch-ups like magazines. But one thing I really love is having sharp collarbones. That's one thing I really envy. And there are the obvious other things, flat stomach, skinny thighs, gap, thin arms, thin face. And her dress is really cute, I would love to be able to wear something like that!

On another note, I'm disgusting. I just went to lunch at a friend's house (weekly lunch group) and I just ate everything. Not even a little, like a normal person. I ate way more than I would have ever wanted. And I got home and went straight to the scale, 161. That's what it was on Sunday night. It should have been 158 at least by today, I would have much rather it have been 156 BUT I have been weak all week and it's making me miserable. I can't keep up this overeating problem or I will literally gain twenty pounds. I know this because it has happened. So I'm committing to restricting—NO EXCEPTIONS, NO MISTAKES. Mistakes are for people who don't know what to do, the people who can't even control their own lives. I know what I need to be doing. I just lack the self control. I'm weak. I'm fat. I'm disgusting.

Sorry that my posts all seem to be a little pessimistic, but that's just how I feel and usually when I'm the most angry with myself is when I sit down to write. But I love you all and I'm impressed by how much more y'all are in control. I want to be a motivator, so I'm really going to start doing it for any readers, too, and not just myself.

Stay strong, carry on.

—A

Day two continued...

Ok sooooo the five day fast was broken, surprise surprise. How weak is that. It's day ONE. I'm embarrassed by my complete lack of control. However, I went to dinner with a bunch of friends and when I said I had already eaten because I didn't like the type of food the restaurant had, my friend jokingly said "Ohh yea, she's like hiding her eating disorder and that's why she's not eating." SO that was awkward, but it shows me that it obviously doesn't look like I am skinny or she wouldn't have risked the comment. That should be motivation. I didn't eat anything at that dinner, it wasn't even a challenge. But in the category of me being completely honest, this is what I ate: four french macaroons with plenty of frosting, a 1/2 cup of egg beaters scrambled with a tablespoon of ketchup, and I continued trying to make a perfect frosting so I ate a shit ton of that.
UGH. Its like, even when I eat something at all it has to be something of NO nutritional value. So here's a little goal…If I do feel like eating something in a time of NO self control, here are some foods that would be not deadly:

• Chicken broth OR…light soup (the 50 or 60 calorie per serving ones only)
• Water based fruits (strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, apples)
• Carrots, CELERY, tomato (although technically this is a fruit) or other similar vegetables that are mostly water
• COFFEE. TEA. WATER. DIET COKE…ok so those aren't foods. But that's ok! They trick you into being fuller.

BASICALLY I have 100 calories to spend on binges. Ana is telling me DON'T WASTE YOUR LIFE ON STUFFING YOUR FACE WITH COOKIES AND ICING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I just have to listen….

Til tomorrow…sleep tight :] be stronger than I am.

Day 2…alright.

Ok so day two is your height and how you feel about your height….
I'm 5'9", which I guess is a good height, although I kind of wish I was cute and little. But what can you do. All I can work on is the little part being weight, so that's what I'll continue to do!

Today is day 1 of the fast, so that's going pretty well, although its only noon; I still have four and a half days to go… Let's go team Ana. But I feel like my hard-core focus is fading, so I'm going to work on control of every aspect of my life so its harder to slip up in the eating category (which may not make sense, but when I'm organized in all aspects I keep up better than if I'm lazy and sloppy). So anyways! That's all I can think of right now.. OH but thank ya'll for the comments! Even if there were only three, they really made my day! :]

Keep it up!!
-a

Well good.

So wow. I'm pathetic, just a little bit. Or maybe a big bit. I work in a restaurant, and I want to own my own one day SO I've been thinking about a few things I want to find my own recipes for. One being icing. So what have I done for the past 2 hours? Made 5 different recipes for icing, tasting the hell out of all of them in an attempt to make them the best. I.e. I have eaten like 800 calories worth of icing, which even for a normal person can give someone a sugar coma. I'm in hell. I know tomorrow/later tonight I'm just going to tear myself up over this, which I can't say isn't deserved because it was just entirely unnecessary.
So yea. Anyways. Frack..no self control. I'm going to try a 5 day fast, that's until Easter. I know that may seem desperate, but its not really. And I know there will be a shit ton of food on easter, cool. So here goes nothing...

Day One-Stats

Here are my stats..Sorry for repeating them from other locations:

Height: 5 feet 9 inches
Highest weight: 180 in August 2010
CW: 161…boo.
LW: 154.2 in May 2010
Ultimate GW: 120
GW: 135

Correction

Ok, so reading back on past blogs, I lied. I haven't, in fact, reached my low weight. That would be 154.2. I have a pound to go. BUT that's the beauty of blogging. You keep an un-loseable record!

Restart.

Hey ya'll.. So not that there are any followers yet (or not that there will be, as much as I wish there were), I need an outlet and writing on paper is too risky. People can be nosy or just merely stumble upon something that I write out. So here's the deal—I feel weak. Not like weak-haven't-eaten-in-a-weak, but weak as in I-am-a-fat-ass-with-no-control. I have been restricting again since December, although I have gotten into some periods of weakness and I have gotten out of control on binging on weekends. So while I go through the week managing to eat literally NOTHING (I have cut out going to lunches with people completely), I make up for it almost on the weekends calorie wise. Disgusting. I did make it to my all-time low though on Friday night (pre-binge) at 155. In the past people catch on and make me eat by the time I reach that.

Ok. That's a lie. I'm really self-deceptive and I will lie about shit so I don't have to take responsibility. But what's the point of this if I don't be completely honest? So yes, I get to 155 and then people do notice, but I tell myself "Ohh I haven't eaten in a week, its ok if I eat this. And this. And fuck, why not this? Actually, I'll binge and it will be ok because I'll make up for it." Then, at a certain point, I get back into just binge-eating, no purging. I can't make myself throw up, not because I don't want to, I've tried many times, but because it just doesn't work. I do take laxatives, which sounds disgusting because I hate talking about anything like that (bathroom related stuff grosses me out. I do not talk about it and when other people do I get uncomfortable haha) BUT desperate times call for desperate measures, and I need to get that stuff out of my overly-full stomach. ANYWAYS… I have reached my low-weight, although after every weekend I get back up by like 5 or 6 pounds. So this morning's weigh in was an enormous 161. That's disgusting. I will say that about a month ago that'd be a low weight so I'm slowly progressing…

I'm sorry this is a long post. Just providing background. Don't feel compelled to read, just getting everything out in the open.
So my absolute best friend (we'll call her M) developed and ED two years ago, just after I started restricting for the first time. I lost 20 pounds as she started losing weight. She was never FAT, but she was muscular from sports and not necessarily skinny. But where she proved to be stronger than I was and am is when summer started and she continued staying strong. She lost probably 45 pounds over 5 months, where I just gained my weight back. She maintained her super skinny weight of 105 for 2 years, and recently she went into therapy to treat her anorexia. So, I support her but I know I would die if I was forced to gain the weight that she has gained back. Again, she's still not fat, but she has gained weight back (as most treatment patients do). POINT BEING—M has asked me about my eating, questioning if I have been restricting. So I have to be extremely cautious around her. Additionally, I know that I don't have to worry about treatment, because at 155 pounds no one is going to worry that I am dangerously skinny.

Ok. So that's great, sorry I am dragging on. I'll just lay out some facts here:
HW: 180-this past August. At this point, someone who is painfully honest told me that I looked healthy (this was a lie though) and that I had looked sickly skinny during the past spring (at 155…so…probably not). BUT at least people noticed my weight loss in the spring. Small victory in the long war!

CW: 155/161 (Weigh-in Friday was 155.4, this morning was 161 after two straight days of binging. Disgusting)

UGW: 120 is "underweight," so that is the ULTIMATE goal. But, possibly unrealistic. So…
GW: 135

Thanks for reading, if you're there PLEASE comment. I try to be strong, but I really need some affirmation here.

Love ya'll, stay beautiful :)