The Start of Skinny

Alright so things are not going the way I'd like. In regards to life as a whole, but most especially to my weight, and it is becoming a problem. After weeks of starving all day and bingeing almost every night, my weight has virtually become stuck at this high, fat-ass weight. 158 pounds. Disgusting. Disgraceful. Disproportional to my 5'9" frame. I'm weak. Without even being remotely hungry, I constantly find myself up at 10 o'clock in the kitchen searching for something I can stuff in my face, completely counteracting the day I've spent eating only a small apple. Or trying to only eat a small apple. I'm a fat-ass, I think I already mentioned that, and I find myself compelled to eat what is available. So goal for the day, which has semi-started off with a clean slate: One SMALL apple today. Celery. Water. Coffee. That's it. No little candy bar things in the office that I work in (they sit on a desk a mere 30 feet away, tempting me).

I have no real desire to eat all the crap that I do, but it happens. I'm an excellent liar—I blamed my lack of eating on the non-existant stomach pains that I claimed occurred after every meal, and I dropped 20 pounds in a month. Glorious. So I think that's going to happen again. I am also wicked good at deceiving myself, seeing as I eventually believed I legitimately had those stomach pains. Again, I will lie to myself. I need control. I need no food (the body can survive at least 3 weeks with no food at all, and God knows I have plenty of fat for my body to live off of). So today I'll work on staying strong, working out tonight will be fun. I'm thinking a 5 mile run to counteract the shit I put into my body yesterday.

The red bracelet is going back on, a reminder of Ana and the power she'll give me. If people ask about it, I'll claim to finding it on the street. Lies will keep this plan in check :)

Stay strong, I love all of you (if there are any readers yet), and remember—thin is beautiful.