Lies and deceit lead to skin and bones.

So today I managed pretty well. I had a bible study breakfast at one of the worst breakfast places ever; it is country style home cooking. Read: buttermilk pancakes, biscuits, gravy, bacon out the wazoo. So I claimed that my roommate had randomly gotten up and made pancakes out of the last of the Bisquick. I must say, my story was pretty awesome and they ate it up like the fatty bacon that came with their meal. Later I had a group lunch, and I had a 1 cup bowl of special K, claiming that I was still full from "all the food I had eaten at the bible study that morning". I did slip and had M&Ms… Damn willpower. I have a birthday dinner at a nice steakhouse… SO I'm praying that I'll say no to any cake and stick to just a salad.

I was thinking today, and this is what I came up with:
I'm pretty fricking deceptive. I can lie my way out of any problem. SO, why can't I lie my way out of this fat problem? I can. That's the thing. So I'm going to make this a game—how long can you trick these people, create an illusion of eating? I love a challenge. Its my competitive nature.
So the goal? 130 pounds. Thats 34 fucking pounds. Wow. How will I get there?
a) Lies. Lying to others about what I've eaten, lying about stomachaches, lying about not being hungry, and lying to myself about those same things.
b) Making Ana my best friend. This little image of Mary Kate Olsen is going to be permanently fixated in my mind, advising my every move, making sure I don't eat. She's my self control.
c) Not bingeing. That's the problem. I do it alone, and I that's when I have the least amount of control.

Red bracelet's going back on.
I hope you all are having a strong day. Is there even anyone here?

Blah… I need more self control.
Ana




[Update….post dinner]
Ok. So. Dinner… I did mildly ok. I didn't order a sugary cocktail (calories, calories, calories), being the lone guest without a drink. I didn't eat any of the assortment of sweet potato fries (who knew all the different seasonings would be paired with such an appetizer), I DID however eat a handful of peanuts, which are packed with calories but I figured they would be better than fries… Boo. I loaded up on the salad, simple lettuce and a vinaigrette, which was sinful. Let me just go ahead and let you all know that this was a "roadhouse", so there was a lot of 'hearty food' served family style. I got about 1 tablespoon sized servings of the mashed potatoes and the mac and cheese (claiming that I was going for a sampler, which my friends seemed to believe despite the fact that they were all having the same foods that sat on my plate, but in much larger sizes). I got some asparagus and cut it up into even pieces and mixed it with the macaroni and the mashed potatoes after taking only a bite of each. I had about 2 oz of chicken breast, justifying it because of the protein… but now I just feel bloated as ever. I asked the waiter to take away my plate before anyone mentioned the odd cheesy-potatoey-asparagus mixture. I felt guilty as hell for those peanuts and chicken and the few starchy bites of potato and mac and cheese. Then the dessert came. Gourmet smores and cake. Wow. I did manage to completely avoid any cake, which was the goal. BUT I failed on the smores. 2 coffee marshmallows on a thin cinnamon graham cracker/wafer thing and dark chocolate, then about 4 more cinnamon wafer things and chocolate sans mallow. I don't know why I felt like it was ok to eat that much, because it was definitely not. Ugh. Seriously, I am failing so miserably at this. I don't know what's wrong with me, I only know that I need to get my shit together or end up looking like a blimp from hell.
Pray that I stay stronger…

Ana