Restart.

Hey ya'll.. So not that there are any followers yet (or not that there will be, as much as I wish there were), I need an outlet and writing on paper is too risky. People can be nosy or just merely stumble upon something that I write out. So here's the deal—I feel weak. Not like weak-haven't-eaten-in-a-weak, but weak as in I-am-a-fat-ass-with-no-control. I have been restricting again since December, although I have gotten into some periods of weakness and I have gotten out of control on binging on weekends. So while I go through the week managing to eat literally NOTHING (I have cut out going to lunches with people completely), I make up for it almost on the weekends calorie wise. Disgusting. I did make it to my all-time low though on Friday night (pre-binge) at 155. In the past people catch on and make me eat by the time I reach that.

Ok. That's a lie. I'm really self-deceptive and I will lie about shit so I don't have to take responsibility. But what's the point of this if I don't be completely honest? So yes, I get to 155 and then people do notice, but I tell myself "Ohh I haven't eaten in a week, its ok if I eat this. And this. And fuck, why not this? Actually, I'll binge and it will be ok because I'll make up for it." Then, at a certain point, I get back into just binge-eating, no purging. I can't make myself throw up, not because I don't want to, I've tried many times, but because it just doesn't work. I do take laxatives, which sounds disgusting because I hate talking about anything like that (bathroom related stuff grosses me out. I do not talk about it and when other people do I get uncomfortable haha) BUT desperate times call for desperate measures, and I need to get that stuff out of my overly-full stomach. ANYWAYS… I have reached my low-weight, although after every weekend I get back up by like 5 or 6 pounds. So this morning's weigh in was an enormous 161. That's disgusting. I will say that about a month ago that'd be a low weight so I'm slowly progressing…

I'm sorry this is a long post. Just providing background. Don't feel compelled to read, just getting everything out in the open.
So my absolute best friend (we'll call her M) developed and ED two years ago, just after I started restricting for the first time. I lost 20 pounds as she started losing weight. She was never FAT, but she was muscular from sports and not necessarily skinny. But where she proved to be stronger than I was and am is when summer started and she continued staying strong. She lost probably 45 pounds over 5 months, where I just gained my weight back. She maintained her super skinny weight of 105 for 2 years, and recently she went into therapy to treat her anorexia. So, I support her but I know I would die if I was forced to gain the weight that she has gained back. Again, she's still not fat, but she has gained weight back (as most treatment patients do). POINT BEING—M has asked me about my eating, questioning if I have been restricting. So I have to be extremely cautious around her. Additionally, I know that I don't have to worry about treatment, because at 155 pounds no one is going to worry that I am dangerously skinny.

Ok. So that's great, sorry I am dragging on. I'll just lay out some facts here:
HW: 180-this past August. At this point, someone who is painfully honest told me that I looked healthy (this was a lie though) and that I had looked sickly skinny during the past spring (at 155…so…probably not). BUT at least people noticed my weight loss in the spring. Small victory in the long war!

CW: 155/161 (Weigh-in Friday was 155.4, this morning was 161 after two straight days of binging. Disgusting)

UGW: 120 is "underweight," so that is the ULTIMATE goal. But, possibly unrealistic. So…
GW: 135

Thanks for reading, if you're there PLEASE comment. I try to be strong, but I really need some affirmation here.

Love ya'll, stay beautiful :)